If we're not careful, the world could run out of celebrity perfumes within the next 8000 years. It's a frightening prospect and one not lost on forward thinkers such as Jennifer Aniston, who has just launched her own fragrance, the hauntingly titled Aniston.
Altruistic to the core, Jennifer barely drew breath after completing $15 million worth of renovations on her sprawling Beverly Hills home before throwing on a starched white coat and hightailing it to the nearest laboratory.
"It's been a 1½-year journey," Aniston revealed at the perfume's launch in London. "Firstly, I knew how I didn't want it to smell (like a pouty-lipped brunette with six kids, perhaps?).
"I brought in a hair serum, a candle, a lotion - a sort of combination of all these things. I was like a little chemist."
Sure you were, pet.
Jennifer, who confusingly admitted she's not a "perfumey person" herself at the launch, said the final concoction reminded her of growing up at the beach and holidaying in Greece.
It might well have been called Hardship in a Bottle but Aniston got the final vote. "It's an extension of myself," the willowy singleton explained. "It's sexy and clean … natural." Modest. Selfless.
(As a helpful aside for those mere mortals who covet Jennifer's astonishing 41-year-old form, the star also used the launch to reveal her ultimate body secret. Pens ready? You simply need to work out. I know! But it has to be every day. Every. Single. Day. So if you do happen to have children, a day job, or any kind of purpose besides monitoring your arse size, it would be best to dispense with them immediately.)
If not for the efforts of celebrities such as Jennifer (who will pocket a mere 10 per cent of the multimillion-dollar profits generated by Aniston), we, the whiffily pored punters, would smell like our grandmothers - wafting about in tired clouds of White Linen and Chanel No 5, clueless about the many other scent combinations hiding within the brains of famous people.
Imagine a world without Power, the perfume created by rapper 50 Cent, who knew exactly what to do with a spare afternoon and a saucepan full of lemon leaves, coriander, patchouli, musk and oak moss. Imagine there was no Lollipop Bling (by Mariah Carey), no The Lovely Collection (Sarah Jessica Parker), no Spring in Provence (Celine Dion) and no Cat Deluxe with Kisses (Naomi Campbell).
Imagine if Russian tennis officials had stopped Maria Sharapova from creating Maria Sharapova - Eau De Parfum Spray with its three-set combination of mandarin, bergamot and lemongrass.
Imagine if Jennifer Lopez had been forced to down Bunsen burners after the release of Glow, never going on to create Miami Glow, Love at First Glow, Sunkissed Glow and the incandescent Glow After Dark.
Imagine if famous actors were asked only to act; singers only to sing; heiresses only to film themselves having sex. Imagine if we didn't let supermodels parade around in their own bikini designs every now and then. Imagine how much of a train wreck Britney Spears would be if she didn't stop to knock out a new fragrance every six months or so.
What kind of world would it be if celebrities weren't allowed to make whatever they damned well please, whenever they darn-tootin' felt like it, and not expect that the unwashed masses will lap it up?
Make no mistake - it's this sort of intellectual framework that truly does separate us from mere animals.
carrieon@bigpond.com
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