Now it's official - I have failed Mothering 101.
According to the new Federal Government guidelines for parents on how to raise healthy, happy toddlers, I've done just about everything wrong.
I fed them the wrong stuff, drove them around too much, let them watch too many Wiggles videos and bribed them with sweets when I wanted them to do something they didn't - like eat the stuff they were supposed to be eating.
No wonder I'm feeling the effects of my bad parenting now that Cybergirl has hit the tragic teens. Forget the terrible twos - apparently if you don't do it right, the double-figure years are going to be much worse.
The new guidelines will sit alongside all those other books and pamphlets that have inundated bookshops, doctors' offices, preschools and even school bags.
And it'll just add to the guilt and confusion a lot of parents are already feeling about bringing up babies and hopefully turning them into responsible citizens.
According to the Government, toddlers are supposed to have one glass of milk, 15g of cheese, and 45g of meat per day.
They shouldn't be restrained in a car seat or high chair for more than an hour because it could limit their development and learning. TV and computer time (that's for those hi-tech nappy wearers) should be kept under one hour per day and outside active play has to constitute at least three hours.
Can I count the chocolate milkshake and cheese burger that often was lunch when I was driving to and from Sydney and the South Coast, while listening to Jeff being woken up with two kids under four in the back seat as meeting those requirements? And does outside activity include the grocery shopping?
There is so much advice, so many guidelines and an overload of information about what we're supposed to do as parents that it's no wonder mums and bubs are finding it difficult to know what's right.
It's no longer okay just to let kids be kids, to get dirty, to eat things that aren't necessarily nutritionally balanced, push the boundaries just a little.
Instead, new parents are being convinced that if their little ones don't start walking, talking, eating, and sleeping according to the guidelines there must be something wrong.
And instead of rejoicing in the milestones they do achieve, paranoid parents are surreptitiously making sure that their little treasures are keeping up with the rest of their friends to avoid those disparaging looks from other parents who are convinced that little Johnnie's behaviour is probably because his mum sometimes lets him have a toasted sandwich for dinner.
I know parenting isn't something that comes naturally, but it's also not something that can be done by numbers or according to the book.
I count myself lucky that I had my own mum around to tell me it was okay if the kids weren't fed at 6pm, and that it was quite normal for GameBoy to want to find out for himself that mud didn't taste like chocolate.
And more importantly, it's not a sin that sometimes you just need a little time out for yourself and losing your temper with them won't have any long lasting consequences.
Guidelines are great, but that's all they are. A glass of milk, 15g of cheese and 45g of protein may help build a healthy body, but kids also need a adventure, exploration and acceptance to build a healthy mind.
Keeli Cambourne is a South Coast journalist looking for the perfect life/work balance.
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