Aussies urged to go cold turkey on US

OPINION

Julia says so. Politicians insist.

Even ex-PM Paul ‘‘You Scumbags’’ Keating claims it’s time for Australia to embrace Asia. Unfortunately, we’re a little stumped to know how to do this exactly, as so few of them seem to play football or cricket. 

Top marks to India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka, of course. But China is a problem. If only China played cricket, we’d get on like a house on fire. Why can’t Indonesians play more tennis? Why can’t Filipinos play, say, lawn bowls? We Aussies aren’t that fussy. We’ll watch any sport.

Of course, there is a menacing hidden agenda in this Asia push. Before we can throw ourselves wholeheartedly at Asia, we’ll have to take one huge step for Aussie kind and give up America. The idea seems straightforward. How hard could it be to sever ties with a country that has given the world subprime mortgages, Porky Pig, Paris Hilton, the Abisizer and the Hawaiian BBQ chicken pizza? Then, again, ever since we first flicked on the idiot box, most of the idiots we’ve been watching have been American. This is serious propaganda. We talk American. We mouth words like bro, dude and hoe. Hoe! Once we only heard ‘‘hoe’’ when the seven dwarfs hi-hoed their way to work. Now, apparently, we have prostitutes everywhere and in stretch limos too.

The American propaganda machine is so insidious, there can only be one solution. To give up America, we Aussies will have to go cold turkey. First, turn off the TV. No more Jerry Springer, Judge Judy, NCIS franchises, Fat Cops in Cars reality TV shows or Two and a Half Idiots, I mean, Men. You can watch select shows on SBS, the ABC and reruns of The Karate Kid, which is sort of Asian.

Throw out the trainers that look like fluoro-pink lace-up aliens. Ditch the Nike, Wu Tang and P Diddy duds and dump all those baseball caps. What is the point of wearing a peak cap backwards? And what is it with baseball caps anyway? We don’t even like baseball.

Give up the upsize super cholesterol-overdose blubber burger and mega-bucket of limp fries combo. They’re not good for you. Give up Madonna and Lady Gaga. As Miss Gaga sang ‘‘Eh! Eh! Nothing else I can say’’. It shouldn’t be too hard to give up lyrics like that. Dump Bruce Springsteen. I’m sorry to see The Boss go but – bloody hell! – he had us all singing Born in the USA. And any song with a US town name has to go. Cease and desist from singing or even humming New York, New York or Do You Know The Way To San Jose? or any song involving a Tallahatchie Bridge. From now on we must sing songs like ‘‘Beijing, Beijing’’ and ‘‘Buddy, can you spare a yuan?’’

You have to give up American politics and prescription drugs like Zoloft and Prozac. Then again, American politics is very depressing, so you may come out ahead there.  There will be a positive side to this exercise. I mean, now you can feel the fear and go back to bed or awaken the whinging dwarf within. You will also have to forego speed dating, networking and Donald Trump. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling better already.

We’ll have to give up Halloween. There’ll be no need for creepy Halloween masks because we’ll ditch Botox as well. We’ll have to rid ourselves of celebrity gossip and popcorn. That’ll be a whole lot of nothing we don’t have to worry about any more.

We must give up conspiracy theories, opportunist litigation, bubble gum and Wall Street. Come on Australia. Just do it. Damn! Oh well, have a nice day. 

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