God rest ye merry brain dead!
Traditionally, in December your brain functions on a minimal needs-based neuronal network until about 5pm on Christmas Eve when it turns into a great grey lump of body-temperature porridge. Rational thought is beyond its brief. Serious issues fly right over your head.
You can hardly manage to work the complexities of pulling the ring on a ring-pull drink can. Your brain is slipping into holiday mode. It can only process blockbuster trash or random trivia. To help ease your last functioning neuron into its non-compos mentis state, I've compiled this list of random 2012 trivia.
Apple Maps still has accuracy issues. There is no truth in the rumour that Tasmania is located 5000 kilometres east of the mainland, but it does collect 31,000 likes on Facebook from Tasmania.
The Rolling Stones defy gravity and perform a 50-year anniversary concert at London's O2 Arena. You can't always get what you want, but you can pretend you saw the Stones live, even if 40 years too late.
The war on drugs is officially over now that two American states, Colorado and Washington State, have legalised the recreational sale and use of marijuana.
But we'll need a war on something. I suggest we declare a war on falling asleep in front of the telly. It causes neck pain, lost workplace hours and ... Zzzzzzzz ... Sorry, where was I?
A Facebook post claims a couple have named their baby Hashtag. A new playmate for siblings Barcode, PinNumber and ShiftAltDelete.
A pre-menstrual woman claims all men are autistic and stink. An ovulating woman insists men are not autistic, they're hot. Men, wisely, stay the hell out of this debate.
Young star of TV sitcom Two and a Half Men, Angus T Jones, declares the show fills viewers' minds with filth and is the work of the devil. He later apologises for his rant. Satan said: "Nothin' to do with me. The show is a pukefest. No way is that new guy a total bitchin' rock star from Mars." Or was that Charlie Sheen? Whatever. Channel 666 has expressed interest in a new series.
Astronomers get excited when they discover a new blotch on their computer screens and declare it the largest black hole in the universe or not. They don't get out much.
Auction site eBay bans the sale of body parts and body fluids. Some really weird folk in America are, like, claiming this is a piss-poor outcome.
The Onion Parody News website declares North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un the "sexiest man alive". He is thrilled. Who needs the military? Unleash the satire bomb. Put Kim Jong Un on every sexiest, hottest list around and his head will explode.
Hollywood plastic surgery reaches a new low with the designer vagina. Who designs vaginas? And what designer label would that be?
We've had the Febfast and Movember fund-raisers. Next year's fund-raisers will be Januhurry, Febfit, Marchfaster, ShApril, Jog-in-June, Jump-High-July, Hit-the-floor-gust, Steptember, Beat-the-Clocktober, Rowvember and Feed-de-Facember. Damn December. Now you'll have to start all over again.
The Idiots Guide to Summer Reading suggests this summer you should read the books you didn't read last summer.
The Advertising Standards Board upholds the right of SPC to use the phrase "no forking worries" in radio ads. See. It's what you thought all along. The place is run by Fork Wits.
I think that's enough trivia for one day. We don't want to strain that last functioning neuron of yours. ■