I’m not old enough to remember when there wasn’t toilet paper (it was invented in China in about the year 600), but I do remember when we didn’t have a sewer system. Okay, sewer systems as we know them were developed in the mid 1800s: I’m not 160 years old, and I’m guessing that Carol Herben isn’t 1500 years old, so instead of  “invented” we should say, “installed at the places where we live”. 

Before we had the sewer connected to our homes we had the outside toilet. Known by various names, such as “the little house”, “room with a poo” and “thunderbox”, they were located close enough to the house to reach them in a hurry, but far enough away that the smell didn’t infiltrate the living areas. 

Blokes didn’t leave the toilet lid up in those days: the sight and smell of what was underneath meant the lid was closed very promptly! Under the seat was a big round black tin that collected all the waste matter. Thinking about it now, sitting just inches above the accumulated excrement from yourself and your family over the past week, breathing its vapours and inhaling its odours, seems like a health disaster; but that was my daily routine until I was in my mid twenties.

When the tin got full it was removed, a wooden lid clamped on top and the tin placed outside. It was replaced with an empty tin that was always on-hand for when the other one was full. Once a week a big red truck drove up and a bloke in blue singlet would come and take away the full tin, leaving an empty one in its place. These blokes did have a proper name, (probably “effluent removal technician” or something), but we just called them, “the dunny-man”. 

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 The men and their trucks were the subject of many jokes. For example, Question: “What has ten wheels and flies?” Answer: “The dunny truck!” But I got more laughs from anecdotes of things that actually happened with the tins. 

A neighbour, Kevin, was repairing his driveway and had used a couple of spare tins to store blue-metal. The tins were brim-full with the heavy rocks and the lids clamped on so none of it spilled when he brought them home in his ute. He’d left the tins at the end of his driveway. When the big red truck arrived, the dunny-man ran in and scooped up the handle of the first one. The tin didn’t move. “Shit!” He exclaimed, somewhat ironically, as his arm was nearly wrenched from its socket. Kevin stuck his head out the window. “No mate,” He said, trying hard to contain his laughter, “That’s full of blue-metal; the shit’s around the back!” 

Stories of wildlife inhabiting these out-houses abound. Remember that old song about a red-back on the toilet seat? I had one of those: not on the seat, but on the inside wall. Spiders are mostly more nuisance than life-threatening, but red-backs are dangerous. So as I sat on the toilet I carefully aimed my foot, and BAM! One squashed spider! I removed the squished arachnid, but the stain remained on the timber as a lasting reminder of my victory. 

My scariest encounter happened several years before that while still living at my parent’s house. As I sat on the toilet one day I happened to look up and there, lying along a beam right above the door, was a huge snake! My reaction meant that sitting on the toilet was probably a good place to be, but it presented problems. Not only was I much closer to the reptile than I was comfortable with, but the only way out was through the door – right underneath the snake! 

Logic may have dictated that if the snake didn’t drop down and bite me when I walked in, it wasn’t likely to drop down and bite me when I walked out, but that didn’t help much. Eventually I gathered courage and took off through the doorway like a sprinter starting a 100-metre dash. I then went to a wildlife-enthusiast neighbour, who came and removed it. 

So, with potential health issues, assaults on visual and nasal sensitivities and encounters with wildlife, not to mention having to go outside in the cold and rain, I’m with Carol; having a sewer is probably the best “invention” I’ve seen in my lifetime! 

Elwyn Jordan is a musician and full-time music teacher. Besides music, his interests include technology and motoring. He runs a motorcycling website called The Old Bloke. http://theoldbloke.homestead.com. You are welcome to get in touch with Elwyn at elwyn.jordan@yahoo.com.au