Players and their management are now demanding that clubs have a plan for continuing success before they re-sign contracts. Quite right, there should be more of it. Fans, ripped off and taken for granted, should take the lead. They must take more of a hands-on role in recruiting and administration. Here’s what supporters of each club should ask their hierarchies before re-committing to their contracts (memberships).
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Adelaide
Are we going to lose any more stars over 190 centimetres? There seems to be some sort of cyclonic vacuum operating on the South Australian border, sucking out any Crows talls of quality. Nathan Bock, Phil Davis, Kurt Tippett, Jack Gunston, Ivan Maric, and Jonathon Griffin are recent departures who would make us a top-four team and then some. To lose a couple might be bad luck, but to lose all of them smacks of bad management. The only way we know if our young talls are any good is if they get poached. Sign Tex Walker and Sauce Jacobs for five years and we’ll talk.
Brisbane
Is the board level self-destruction really finished, or are we going to beggar our future again with ongoing instability that alienates our emerging talents? You can’t improve when you lose five players you have spent three years nurturing. We will re-sign if you guarantee that Sam Mayes, James Aish, Lewis Taylor and Ryan Lester have committed to five-year, no homesickness, gilt-edged, lead-lined solid-gold guarantee contracts. Signed in the blood of kin. In front of a reputable JP.
Carlton
Do you promise to remove our home games from that soulless mausoleum next to the trainyards? If we can’t be at Princes Park, we want to be at the MCG. We’ll sign up if you deliver that, plus Ashman, Keogh, and Buckley on the ball. And Judd, circa Brownlow II. We’ve got the money, why can’t we get them? Craig Bradley? The Buzz?
Collingwood
No more game midgets, or unskilled battlers. Deliver us a classy ricochet backline, and we’re back in the flag hunt again. At the moment we can’t hit the side of a barn with a planet. Oh, don’t worry about it, we’ll probably sign up anyway.
Essendon
If you can make the whole drug/supplement thing goes away, we’ll sign up for life. So sick of it all, why can’t we just get on with playing footy and forget about the off-field issues, it’s all such a media beat-up … That’s all we want. Go Hirdy. What is this you want me to sign? Is it a contract, or a waiver? I’m going to consult my lawyers …
Fremantle
Yes, we’ll sign. In fact, we’ll all buy two memberships. Is Roscoe happy? Has he got everything he needs? Maybe there’s something we can get him that he doesn’t need, like Rottnest Island, or a mine. Have we re-signed Ross for 10 years? Did we tell you that we love Ross Lyon?
Geelong
More please. Just keep it coming. Yes of course we’ll sign, even if we don’t go to games, leaving the new stadium half-full. We were initially happy with one flag, but after three, we’ve turned. We’re greedy now, and addicted to all this winning and not losing. Burp.
Gold Coast
What do you mean, sign a membership? Aren’t you happy that I know who Harley Bennell is. I went to three games last year! Three!
GWS
What is this, Amway or something? I don’t sign anything I don’t understand. Football? Yeah, the Wanderers are wicked, aren’t they? But I don’t think I’d buy a membership, man, who does that? AFL? What language you talking?
Hawthorn
Glen Iris Hawk: A mission statement clearly elucidating the continued adherence to principles of excellence and due process. Casey Cardinia Hawk: Two key backmen, and a couple of pacy ball-movers with good vision and footskills to replace Mitchell and Hodge. And the eradication of zone two. You try going from Narre Warren to Richmond on the train every week!
Melbourne
Hope. Give me genuine hope. And fewer Sunday games. A good start? Getting a coach and administrator who are there for the long haul.
North Melbourne
Could we get one genuine, no doubt, absolute-gun midfielder? We’ve put years into all these kids, but I’m worried they are all… just OK. While we’re negotiating, how about a better stadium deal so we’re not always on the verge of extinction?
Port Adelaide
No deal needed, we already signed, just selling this car off we lucked into for parts to buy the cousin’s kids some memberships. You tell Kochy and Kenny, anything they want – new carbie, an exhaust fitted, a second-hand rotary hoe, job’s on. It’s sorted. She’s sweet.
Richmond
We’re a fighting fury! We out-roar Thor! How dare you even suggest we haven’t already signed up! (But could you do something about our key forwards, get us a classy big defender and a silky goalsneak?)
St Kilda
Bring back Moorabbin. And some players. We need to replace Riewoldt, Hayes, Goddard, Dal Santo. To replace them, we’d like players like Riewoldt, Hayes, Goddard, and Dal Santo. And for godsakes, get a decent band booker for functions. Half the fanbase play the Espy, after all. Or at least spend weekends there. Yes, when the footy's on, what is this, an inquisition?
Sydney
How about a return to Bloods values? I know that nothing has happened, it's all lies, malicious speculation and envious rumours, but when there were no rumours, lies and speculation, we played as a team and won a lot. Oh, forget that, play every home game at the SCG and I’ll sign up for the first time ever! You try going to Homebush on the train for every ‘home’ game!
West Coast Eagles
Promise us a stadium big enough to provide a seat for everyone who wants to be a member and we’ll sign. What? There’s a stadium being built? Believe that when I see it. Bloody Victorians.
Western Bulldogs
You know what we want, our position has not changed. In years. Since Granty. We’ve got the midfield kids. Just get us a couple of big blokes who can clunk a mark and dob a sausage roll. Someone six foot four or more who can take a mark and kick a goal. A key forward. A lead-up specialist. A goalkicker. A spearhead. A focal point. A sharpshooter. Pivot. Tall target. West Coast has 10 of them in a six-man forward line, and we have none. A FULL FORWARD. Got it?
