Tagger

FIVE THINGS WE THOUGHT OF ... WAITING FOR THE UMP TO BLOW HIS WHISTLE

1. Typical. People moan about crowds being down so Peter Hoare comes out of retirement.

2. Cold beer of choice roughly $2 a stubbie, pizza $12, telly already paid for. Dunno where people have got this idea that footy's too expensive.

3. Actually, now that Mr Demetriou's identified no-show club members as the root of the problem, perhaps it's time to consider that after buying said membership they've got no money left to eat, drink, put petrol in the car or catch a train to the ground.

4. Courtenay Dempsey banned by Essendon for "failing to meet standards and expectations". There's a PhD thesis in that.

5. We'll ask again, nice and slow: anyone got any drugs?

ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO

Are you concerned that the future of your footy club ties his hair up in a silly little ponytail on top of his head? Will you refuse to admit the umps are doing a good job until the only frees they pay are to your blokes? Take your two weeks from the match review panel and suck it up with a game of Armchair Footy Bingo! Pinch more points than Matthew Kreuzer's had painkillers, and you win!

This weekend's targets:

- Campbell Brown says they might as well ban the bump, as long as they don't mess with the punch, the elbow, the coathanger and the right to get yourself arrested outside a nightclub – it's a contact sport for god's sake points.

- Mick proves his verbal tirade at umpire Matt Stevic over an iffy free kick in a game last year is just the thin edge of the wedge when he has to be restrained after spotting an old bloke in the MCG crowd who he swears cut him off on a Ballarat street in 1971 – memory like an elephant points.

- Continuing his bid to highlight the increased emotional maturity of footballers in their interactions with women, the "Secret Footballer" writes a column pointing out that not all of his peers still expect to have someone cook and clean for them and wipe their noses, there's actually quite a few who are happy to unload the dishwasher every fourth Thursday of the month, as long as it doesn't clash with The Footy Show – sensitive new age nong points.

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION

Six steps from Paul Roos to Joe Hockey:

1. Paul Roos is a football coach who might have a particular take on that whole which is better, Sydney or Melbourne? thing, but at least he only signed up for two years which must be a relief for his family especially his wife, who's got the same name as that country singer whose biggest hit was murdered one Mad Monday by ...

2. Stephen Kernahan, who was a Carlton star with great hands and a magnificent mullet who's continued to fight the good fight for his beloved Blues and it would probably be churlish to mention that as it stands in season 2014 they couldn't beat an egg, not even one of the cartoon ones in the henhouse guarded by ...

3. Foghorn Leghorn, and that's a joke, ah say that's a joke, son, and at least Bomber Thompson's laughing even if the rest of you are about as cold as a nudist on an iceberg, boy, or as sharp as a pound of wet liver, son, and your liver wouldn't only be wet it would be pretty well stuffed too if you'd treated it as badly as ...

4. George Best, who spent a lot of money on birds, booze and fast cars and the rest he just squandered although a new liver can't have come cheap and it's not much good to you if you go and destroy it as well, but enough of this medical nonsense, we're starting to sound like that American hospital drama starring ...

5. Sandra Oh, whose character's name is Yang which is half of a Chinese philosophy about the interdependence of contrary forces in the natural world but Grey's Anatomy fans only care that she's being written out of the show which has left them howling, "Say it ain't so!" which could very easily make you think of ...

6. Joe Hockey, who is the Federal treasurer who'll deliver his first budget next month and he's already warned us we'll have to do some heavy lifting so lucky he's not as heavy as he used to be but of course he says we're only in this mess because of the mob who were running the show before, which sounds a bit like Paul Roos.

FOOTYHEAD SAYS

Poured by the bloke whose stats nobody ever bothered adding up:

"Season averages after two games tell you as much about a teams prospects as a commentator with a nickname addiction and a vocabulary problem. Don't despair and resort to imaginary football just yet, feckless barracker, there's a few bulls left to ride in this particular rodeo."

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