"Look, I'm not going to provide a running commentary on blah blah gibber gibber blah blah blah ..."
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Sound familiar? Instead of straight answers to simple questions, Australian politicians now give us the "I won't be providing a running commentary" smokescreen. On a daily basis. While Scott Morrison is the national champion of this not-conducting-a-running-commentary bollocks (particularly should it inspire "a shipping news" for people smugglers), just about everyone else in Canberra spouts the same flimsy line ad-nauseam; from the PM to Bill Shorten and everyone in between.
What these increasingly unaccountable clowns fail to realise is that in an utterly sports- and results-obsessed Australia, we love running commentary and if those elected to lead us won't bother to provide it, then we need to turn to those who will. So without further ado, it's over to Big Rex Warren and Peter "Porky" Gouldling in the central commentary position.
Rex: Aaaaand welcome to Canberra for this top-of-the-table clash between the Reds and competition leaders the Blues. Referee Bronwyn Bishop is about to get proceedings under way but it's gotta be said, Porky, there's been some controversy around the refereeing.
Porky: Yeah that's right Rex, and welcome to the viewers at home. A lot of discussion indeed about the volume of penalties and referee Bronwyn Bishop has come in for particular criticism over her use of the sin bin. More than 100 Reds players have been sidelined while the Blues have had just a handful.
Rex: Live action now as referee Bishop blows time on. Plibersek's kick-off is taken just inside the field of play by Blues fullback Mathias Cormann. He carries it back to the 10-metre mark, where he's grassed in a tidy tackle by Senators Conroy and Wong. Now Blues captain Tony Abbott scurries out of dummy half, shapes to kick but has a change of mind and throws an absolutely horrible pass to a bewildered-looking Joe Hockey.
Porky: Ouch!
Rex: The big prop is picked up and driven backwards by the entire Reds front bench.
Porky: That was a classic hospital pass, Rex. If we freeze the replay there, you can see Abbott tries to create an opportunity for rich women down the blind side. He sees the opposition charging towards him and just as it looks like he's about to get caught with the budget, err ball, he throws a Hail Mary pass to Hockey, who just gets hammered.
Rex: Hockey's back on his feet now and plays the ball. The Blues are up towards the 40-metre line, where hooker Cory Bernardi scavenges a loose ball; he dummies once, dummies twice and tries to dummy a third time, but no-one's falling for it and he's crunched by Warren Snowden and Anthony Albanese. Bernardi spills the ball and the Reds come away with it through Chris Bowen, who moves it on to Mark Butler. Butler throws a long, looping cut-out ball to ...
Porky: Here's an intercept, Rex!
Rex: Butler's pass is intercept by Blues second rower Scott Morrison! Morrison sprints to the line and it's a try! Four nil in favour of the Blues!
Porky: You can see what's happened there on the replay Rex; Scott Morrison has intercepted a boat full of desperate refugees trying to flee to Australia with their lives.
Rex: Yes, but hold on a sec, Porky; Scott Morrison has been awarded the try but he's taken the whistle from referee Bishop and - what's this? It looks like he's sent the asylum seekers off! That's right; the refugees have been sent off to jail on Manus Island.
Porky: That's been the Blues' game-plan all season Rex and it seems to be working for them.
Rex: Blues goal kicker Malcolm Turnbull converts Morrison's try and it's the Blues six leading the Reds nil. Plibersek restarts play with another long kick-off, this time taken by Julie Bishop ...
Porky: WHOAA! Hold the phone! There's a streaker on the field, Rex!
Rex: Oh dear, this bloke is hideous to behold nude. Turn your kid away. Bugger me - the naked buffoon is none other than Yellows skipper Clive Palmer! That's bizarre; both the Greens and the Palmer United Yellows have byes this week so you have to ask yourself "Why on Earth is Palmer even here today, let alone running naked across the field?"
Porky: He's after some attention, Rex. No-one has mentioned his name yet today. He's trying to make this game all about him.
Rex: It's not working. The fans are booing and thankfully security has dragged him off. Restoring order is ref Bishop. She lifts the whistle to her lips and awards a penalty to ... the Blues? I don't know how she's come up with that decision, Porky!
Porky: Me neither, Rex, and now Reds skipper Bill Shorten is blowing up. Ref Bishop has called the two captains over for a chat. Let's see if we can listen.
Shorten: (muffled): Gnrrr fgn penalties bllsht biased bllsht refn hate yr gutz.
Abbott: Ahhh, errr, Madam Speaker, ahh, errm, I move that ahhh we put further play on notice.
Ref Bishop: (Blows whistle) Full-time!
Rex: Game over folks. The Blues have the numbers to call an early end to play and they scrape out another marginal win over the Reds. It's goodbye from your running commentary team. Stay tuned for the late movie, The Shipping News.