Men and the long path to loneliness

Recently, a friend asked my husband Garry to have a chat with her husband Philip.

They were having some marital problems and she felt Philip needed someone to talk to, someone to confide in, someone male.

A few days later Garry and Phil were holed up in the man cave having a beer and Garry attempted to engage him.

"How are things going at home, Phil?" he asked. "Good, good," Philip replied.

Garry pushed a bit further, asking if he and Fiona were getting along.

"Sure, all's good, no problems mate," Phil said, adding quickly: "Who do you think's going to get up in the Bledisloe Cup round two?"

That was the beginning and the end of Garry's attempt at a close and meaningful conversation.

Phil is not Robinson Crusoe. When I think about the partners of many of my girlfriends, they are all family focused and have few real friends.

They have colleagues and acquaintances but no-one they can turn to in a time of crisis or just to let off steam.

Often Garry laments his phone never rings, stating "I don't have any friends".

When we drill down, we discover he actually does have some blokes he rings for no other reason than to say "gidday" and see what's happening in their lives.

If he knows a mate has been unwell or going through a difficult time, he'll call to see how they are getting on.

They are always delighted to hear from him but only a handful return the favour.

Most of them follow the "male deficit model" and their friendships fall into one of three categories: convenience friends with whom they exchange favours but curtail further interaction, mentor friends with one man under the tutelage of another or activity friends who bond while playing golf or watching football games together.

The theory holds that the men drift apart when the shared convenience, mentorship or activity ends.

Why does this happen? There have been umpteen studies on the subject and they all come to the same conclusion: from an early age society coaches our boys to become "real men" and to suppress their feminine or emotional side.

They are encouraged to be competitive, strong, unemotional and independent; they are expected to deal with issues alone and practically.

The tragedy is that the more men adhere to this traditional male gender role the more likely they are to die early.

Research has shown that loneliness accelerates age-related declines in cognition and motor function and a single good friend can make as much as a 10-year difference in overall life expectancy.

An extensive study by Brigham Young University in the US found that loneliness is just as harmful to health as not exercising, smoking 15 cigarettes a day and alcoholism, and twice as bad as being obese.

Some of this stems from the fact that lonely people tend to exercise less, eat poorly and drink too much but there is more to it.

John T. Cacioppo, a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago, has found that lonely people have chronically elevated levels of stress and fear hormones.

Professor Cacioppo also demonstrated a correlation between loneliness and the activity of certain genes associated with systemic inflammation, elevating the risk of viral invasion and cardiovascular disease.

All of this just because you blokes won't open up and let it all hang out.

Come on, embrace your feminine side, reach out to your buddy and don't be afraid to show some emotion.

How about it, Phil?

*Names have been changed