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Attention all you left wing, latte sipping, chardonnay swilling, opera going, renewable energy consuming, greenie loving, organic farming, coal hating, refugee cuddling, Labor voting, tree-hugging, Prius driving, promise believing communist freaks - the almighty free market will one day ordain that your beloved ABC must be privatised.
Don't worry, the name ABC will stay but in future it will represent the acronym "Australian Billionaires' Channel". You will, however, need to cease affectionately referring to the ABC as Aunty and instead take up the nickname Uncle - also an acronym for Unilateral National Centre for Liberal Empowerment.
To help you get used to the idea, here's a sample TV guide to demonstrate what kind of content this national broadcaster - which will be owned and operated by Rupert Rinehart-Stokes - will deliver.
6am: Aerobics Oz Style. Join jolly jogging non-feminist host Julie Bishop as she shares the secrets of her fitness regime. Julie's practice of, well, just running around the park could help you get big enough in your boots to tell the US President to pull his bloody head in about climate change affecting the Great Barrier Reef.
7am: ABC News Breakfast. Presented by Krazy Karl Koch and Lisa Armytage. Australia's most up-beat talking heads and the leading fake laughers of their generation pretend to find just about everything funny over and over again for three nauseating hours. Their special brand of inane banter is interspersed with variations on a single news bulletin that has been carefully compiled after reading the morning papers.
10am: The Mining Report, hosted by Gina Rinehart's spokesman.
10.30am: The Money Report, hosted by Gina Rinehart's spokesman.
11.00am: The Law Report, hosted by Gina Rinehart's spokesman.
11.30am: Weird World of Sports Special: First Test - Team Australia v Desperate Refugees live from The Hague. All the action from the first round of hearings at the International Criminal Court with absolutely no commentary whatsoever from Immigration Minister Scott Morrison.
3pm: Survivor Nauru (series two). After proving a ratings bonanza during the Howard years, our tribes are back on Bird Shit Island vying to win the ultimate prize - a peaceful life in the lucky country where they won't be at risk of execution or having their faces clubbed in.
5pm: Why Do You Want To Be A Billionaire? Eddie McGuire quizzes James Packer, the Murdochs, Gina Rinehart, Anthony Pratt, Frank Lowy and others on the filthy rich list about why they're hell bent on having so much more money than everybody else.
5.30pm: Hockey (Rpt): Everybody's favourite show about nothing.
6pm: ABC Nightly News, Sport and Weather.
6.04pm: The Why Factor: Take an emotional roller coaster in this edge-of-the-seat entertainment as celebrity judges Andrew Bolt, Alan Jones and Christopher Monckton demand Australia's up-and-coming scientists stand on a stage and try their hardest to convince them "why" climate change is anything other than absolute crap.
8pm: Kitchen Cabinets. Follow former Australian Broadcasting Corporation journalist and commentator Annabel Crabb as she embarks on her new gig as a labourer for freshly knighted carpenter Sir Scott Cam while he installs, y,'know, kitchen cabinets.
8.30pm: Monday night movie, Liar, Liar! (Comedy, 2014, PG). Tony Abbott stars as a scheming politician and habitual liar who has built his career on eschewing the truth and breaking promises. But Tony lets voters down once too often with one too many lies. The electorate collectively make a wish that Abbott has to tell the truth for one whole day. Magically, their wish comes true! Abbott is hilarious in this laugh-a-minute romp as he staggers from telling one painful truth to the next. Co-starring Mathias Cormann and Malcolm Turnbull.
10.30pm: The Biggest Loser: Reality TV at its best as federal MP and mining magnate Clive Palmer is forced to come to grips with losing his power in the Senate. Could this be just a curtain-raiser to the next instalment when Palmer faces the prospect of losing more than he ever bargained for when he faces off in court against Chinese business interests?
11.30pm: The late movie, 10 Canoes (Drama, 2014, M). Defence Minister David Johnston faces an epic struggle to build 10 functioning canoes for the Royal Australian Navy. It's a complicated and fraught odyssey given that he's on record as saying he wouldn't trust the government's shipbuilder ASC to build even one canoe. Also starring Senator Penny Wong and a charming cameo from PM Abbott who, in a twist that could go either way, expresses confidence in his minister.
2am: Rage: Guest programmer Cory Bernardi serves up a selection of his favourite Christian rock hits and guarantees there will be no songs by Queen, Elton John, k.d. Lang, Boy George, the Indigo Girls, George Michael, Ricky Martin, Melissa Etheridge, Peter Allen or Liberace.