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Dear Santa,
I haven't been a very good boy this year. I've been cranky, rude, deceitful, greedy, obscene, jealous, selfish and spitefully cynical. I've thrown some enormous tantrums and I've said nasty things for which I never really apologised. On the upside, there's nothing I really want or need.
However, in the spirit of Christmas, I'd like to humbly ask for some gifts for those who might need a thing or two.
For our politicians
Tony Abbott: It's a bit dadsy and dull, but could you give him a bunch of silk ties in a range of colours? Ever since Julia Gillard made a speech warning women against handing the country over to "men in blue ties", Tony has religiously worn a blue tie. Every single day Santa! It's been well over a year now. Also, maybe you could throw in a manual on ahh, errr, umm good errr communication. You'll find one at any good book suppository.
Peta Credlin: Now, to the Prime Minister; would it be asking too much to give Peta a tad more power? If you can't swing that, then maybe you could give her a title befitting her standing at the very pinnacle of Australian civics. Dame Peta Credlin perhaps? Her chief of staff, Tony Abbott, could help you organise that.
Joe Hockey: Some nicotine patches to help him quit those nasty cigars. Like politics, smoking is a filthy and lethal business and we need Joe to live a long, healthy life so he can bring the Budget back into surplus in 2039. Could you also throw in a packet of antacids to help Joe swallow the humble pie he's been be forced to scoff lately?
Bill Shorten: A pledge from the Labor caucus, written in the blood of Bob Hawke, that he will in fact lead the party at the next federal election. You see, Santa, the public hasn't forgotten - nor will they ever - that Bill fiendishly shoved the political knife into two democratically elected Labor prime ministers. I doubt many in his party have either.
For our celebrities
Kim Kardashian: Some underpants: You may have missed this, Santa, but Kim lost hers when she tried to break the internet with her arse, which she didn't achieve - so maybe also a bike with pink tassels on the handlebars as consolation. If that's a no-go, could you make sure Kim's Christmas bon-bon has one of those plastic toy compasses in it to help with names for any more children she might be planning?
Miley Cyrus: More attention, please. Santa Claus, this poor kid will do anything to get noticed and make people forget she's wholesome Hannah Montana. She'll swan about naked, she'll shove a giant foam finger in her crotch, she'll rub her bum on dwarfs, she'll smoke drugs onstage, she'll simulate fellatio on a sledgehammer. Miley keeps upping the ante! I'm worried that she's terrified none of this is working and people will always see her as an adorable Disney kid. To give her enough attention to last a lifetime, would you extend her tongue by 38 centimetres? Can you do it? Trust me Santa, she'd love it!
For our sportsmen
Michael Clarke: He could sure use a set of hyper-flexible synthetic hamstrings and a fully functioning titanium endoskeleton. These all need to be installed by 10am on Boxing Day, latest. Don't forget, he won't be at home in Sydney so please make sure you deliver them down the chimney in Melbourne.
Greg Bird: a catheter and urine collection bag. Don't ask.
Just about every other player in the NRL: A refresher course in primary school-level English. I don't know if you've heard of Andrew "Joey" Johns, Santa, but like you he's "immortal" and thus sets the standard for others in rugby league. The problem is he speaks like an idiot. A few months back I heard Johns say, verbatim: "Yeah, look, we all seen what them blokes done last time they come up to Brisbane." Most NRL players speak like this! They need help.
For our squillionaires
Gina Rinehart: How about a nice card with a crisp $50 note slotted inside? Like me, Gina doesn't actually need anything, but she seems to really, really love the be-Jesus out of money and I'm not sure all of her kids will send her a card so it'd be nice if she got a special one from you.
Rupert Murdoch: Some fresh oil and a circuitry upgrade, because only a f---ing robot would triumphantly tweet "AUST gets wake-call with Sydney terror. Only Daily Telegraph caught the bloody outcome at 2.00 am. Congrats" about his newspaper's coverage of the horrible Lindt Cafe siege. Two innocent people died, four were wounded, countless more were left with lives that will never be as happy again - and Rupe-bot's thinking about journos and sales.
For each and every Australian
I know this is a very big ask, Santa, but would you mind popping a little Lindt chocolate ball on the mantelpieces of all Aussies of every race, colour and creed? It'd be a nice reminder that we should always strive to be sweet to one another.
Thanks Santa.
Yours,
Hendo