With the Auckland Nines done and dusted, trial games in the offing and cooler winds starting to blow along the coast, it's that exciting time of year when the mighty festival of the boot is just about upon us. And, as I'm sure happens year in and year out, officials from the various codes have been kneeling in fervent prayer hoping against the odds that the young men they employ won't make complete idiots of themselves in 2015 and take the shine off their multimillion dollar product.

It's a mighty big ask. The NRL's Greg Bird is already in the running to take out the intercode Clown of the Year title after he urinated next to a police car in Byron Bay the day after his wedding. Next to a cop car! The day after telling the love of his life, "I do ... for better and for worse"!

As far as kicking off a marriage goes, it couldn't get any worse. I suppose the Origin star deserves some credit for owning up and apologising publicly. He should have left it at "I'm sorry wife/fans/club/NRL". But no, Birdie - who clearly confused his wedding with his buck's night - went on to say (and I swear I'm not making this up): "It's put a dampener on our wedding weekend."

Yeah mate, a big, warm yellow one. The missus must be thrilled. There are myriad offences and misdemeanours that footy players chalk up every year. There's usually a clutch of assaults - sometimes, sadly, on women - and it's almost guaranteed there'll be a DUI or two, various acts of public nuisance and one or two marquee moments like sexual acts involving a Labrador (it happened) and urinating in one's own mouth (so did this). But the signature move we seem to hear about most is ye olde faithful - pissing in public.

Well into the 21st century, this is an act so gross, so needless and so oft-repeated that it really does beggar belief. I can't recall a single instance when an Australian sportswoman - or any female athlete for that matter - has felt the urge and had the audacity to wee in the town square.

As for the blokes? Plenty have been sprung in recent years, including big name NRL Test players Willie Mason and Anthony Watmough. AFL players aren't much better; some have done wee-wees in pubs and at least one on a police station wall but they also have a thing for letting it go on the playing field in front of 50,000-odd people.

There can be no excuse for not running off the park for a quick slash, no matter how tight the scoreline. Imagine how I'd go at the next Illawarra Mercury editorial meeting; we're under pressure, deadline is about to kill us, time is running out but I need a leak so I flip the dude out and go all over the office whiteboard. I'd be fired on the spot and I might even cop a flogging on my way out the door. And that would be just - for any bloke at any workplace.

Not the footy crew, though. It seems they can just piss on.

But apart from individual clubs insisting their players be properly toilet trained before they sign a contract, what can be done to stem this annual river of excreta?

Police charges and civil and club fines don't seem to be working, so on top of existing penalties, I reckon codes need to set up their own Urinating in Public judiciaries.

Just like at the official game judiciaries, players accused of relieving themselves in public or on the field must rock up on a Wednesday night wearing a suit and tie, with legal representation and sheepishly run the gauntlet of TV lights and reporters to front a panel of QCs and either enter a plea or defend the charge.

Meaningful suspensions must apply and it's only fair that offences should be graded.

Try to discreetly have a leak in a hedge on a dark and empty street at 2am while waiting in vain to get a cab? Grade 1 - one to two weeks' suspension.

Blatantly urinate in the street, on a cop car or building? Grade 2 - three to four weeks on the sidelines.

Urinate in your own mouth a-la the NRL's Todd Carney? Grade 1 million - immediate incarceration in a psych ward.

It'll never happen, of course, but a fan can dream.

■ It's clear that interpersonal conflict is once again partly to blame for the failure of the federal government to rule with a steady hand. Same goes for the push to skewer another Australian prime minister. If personality and ideals are the problem, isn't it time we embraced a new paradigm?

It's not hard to imagine a carefully calibrated collection of algorithms processing all of our social and economic data, meshing it with GDP and global fiscal forecasts to produce non-partisan policies that address the needs of every Australian.

Imagine no PM, no factions, no parties, no press conferences, no question time and no more brain-crushing bulls--t.

Imagine putting your trust not in a mere mortal but in an infallible bank of computers. Men and women of Australia - it's time for the federal Googlement.