OPINION
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Until I read about it in the Mercury this week, I had no idea the University of Wollongong has an official quidditch team. That's right, the wizardly sport of Harry Potter fame where players fly around on brooms doing battle using balls called quaffles, bludgers and the elusive golden snitch.
I never went to UoW so I'm not entirely sure what the quidditch team gets up to in the lecture halls, but I figure if they're playing quidditch then they're learning how to cast spells. While the mastery of hexes would deliver benefits across all disciplines, common sense tells you the dark arts would come in extra handy for political science students or those who fancy themselves as our future leaders.
I don't know how many UoW alumni are presently prowling the corridors of Parliament, but I suspect there's quite a number.
And one only needs to review the politics of the past week to see otherworldly forces are at play in our nation's capital.
How else do you explain why an empty Officeworks chair attracted 39 per cent of the vote in a spill against the Prime Minister? If not magic, what other explanation could there be for so many vanishing promises? What sorcery must be at work in the ALP to have them believe Bill Shorten, the political assassin who hacked two PMs to death, is the man Australia should trust?
After reading through the Hogwarts/UoW canon of spells, I'm convinced many are already in use in Canberra. The most obvious this week was Cave Inimicum. A favourite of Hermione Grainger, it is used to strengthen an enclosure from enemies. It is as plain as day that a staffer, or perhaps Tony Abbott himself, invoked Cave Inimicum over his office early on Monday morning.
Even though the PM assured his colleagues after the spill motion that his door is always open, everyone knows it isn't.
Thankfully, there's a solution: Alohomora, which even us mere Muggles know is used to unlock doors. If Alohomora won't do the trick, the Libs might have to resort to Expulso which causes an object to explode. There is, however, a constant danger (or hope, depending which side you're on) that Abbott could accidentally use Expulso on himself.
It was interesting to note that immediately after 39 disgruntled Libs voted to dump the PM - in favour of thin air - they suddenly said they supported him! Obviously someone from the PMO secretly waved their wand over the party room and declared "Imperio!" First used by Harry in The Goblet of Fire, Imperio causes victims to obey the spoken and unspoken commands of the spell caster/chief of staff. (A telltale sign of Imperio's is when the entire cabinet says "The Prime Minister has my full support".)
While it might have been a terrible week, the Coalition's woes didn't just magically appear ... or did they? Sure, voters think their policies are unfair and their messaging is off-key, but these problems have been compounded by multiple back-flips, contradictions and mass confusion. If there's a more clear-cut case of Confundo, I've yet to see it. The Confundo hex simply causes the victim to become befuddled. It was famously used by Hermione to allow Ron to join the Gryffindor quidditch team. Mark my words though, clearly someone in the ALP has also perfected Confundo.
Wands have been a-waving on the opposite side of the chamber, too. Opposition leader Shorten has most definitely fallen victim to Engorgio. Once disastrously used against Clive Palmer by wizards unknown, this spell causes objects to swell in size. In Bill's case, it's his head. There remains plenty of people who believe the little fella isn't up to the job of Prime Minister (hey, I'm short too, so I feel for ya, pal). Don't be surprised in future if an ex-UoW Labor staffer hits Bill with Mobilicorpus every time he stands behind a lectern. Once used by Sirius Black against Professor Snape, Mobilicorpus levitates a body a few inches off the ground. Good news for Kill Bill.
It is only now, since reading up on these spells, that strange events from the past start to make perfect sense. Remember when Abbott was Opposition Leader and Channel Seven's Mark Riley asked him to explain his remark "shit happens" following the death of a Digger in Afghanistan? Abbott stared at Riley, trembling and completely unable to speak for an excruciating 24 seconds. That, dear reader, was Langlock - a spell created by Professor Snape (and in this case, undoubtedly cast by a leftie UoW student) - which glues the victim's tongue to the roof of their mouth.
Although no one's prepared to admit it yet, plenty of Liberals are pushing to have Alarte Ascendare used against Malcolm Turnbull. Taking its name from Latin verb ascendare - which means to "ascend" or "climb" - this spell can be used to shoot a target high into the air. A judicious dose of Alarte Ascendare might be enough cause Turnbull to soar high above the caucus and yank the prime ministership from Abbott's grasp - just like Harry seizing the golden snitch.