How beautiful are the South Coast's beaches? Stanwell Park to Eden is blessed with some of Australia's - and the world's - most breathtaking confluences of ocean and terra firma. There is no debate.

How, then, is one expected to take seriously TripAdvisor's "Travellers' Choice Awards" that this week named Australia's top 10 beaches? You'd reckon at least two or three South Coast spots would feature, but not a single one made the list.

TripAdvisor's "award-winning" beaches were based on the reviews of millions of travellers over a 12-month period. Incomprehensibly, their appreciation for the continent's East Coast stalled at latitude 33.8oS, that is, Manly Beach (more on that later).

When I first scanned this list I wondered whether "TripAdvisor" was an online hub where people could discuss actual tripping - y'know, on LSD or magic mushrooms - because it's obvious the reviewers were full-on hallucinating. How else do you explain it? We'll start at the top.

1. Whitehaven Beach, Whitsunday Island, Qld: The biggest hit among TripAdvisor types, Whitehaven apparently boasts "stunning natural beauty" and "exceptional beauty and magic". But Whitehaven's other features didn't rate a mention, like the presence half the year around of the box jellyfish and the smaller-but-just-as-lethal Irukandji. Admittedly, these marine stingers are only really a drawcard for people who like to experience excruciating pain or death while swimming.

2. Turquoise Bay, Exmouth, WA: Although one TripAdvisor reviewer gushed about "clear crystal-blue waters with fish life, great snorkelling, white sand, lots of space . . . " they neglected to say that, during the popular summer months, Exmouth is a magnet for tropical cyclones. So when packing your towel, swimmers and snorkel, be sure to throw in a torch, a battery-operated radio and enough food and drinking water for three days.

3. Cable Beach, Broome, WA: This is another stretch of coast where box jellyfish and Irukandji like to kill things. As is the case at Whitehaven, you can actually swim in Broome's venom infested waters - you just have to wear a head-to-toe anti-stinger suit. These make you look like a giant Teletubby and thus render your Aussie beach holiday snaps laughable/useless.

4. Burleigh Heads, Qld: Sure, it's a nice spot, but it can get crowded so one must take care not to get in other people's way - particularly if that other person is renowned Hawaiian surfing thug Sunny Garcia. Back in 2011, assisted by French pro surfer Jeremy Flores, Garcia was filmed punching the be-Jesus out of a local in the shallows. The bloke who filmed it also got an old-school flogging from Garcia in the car park. As far as I know the surf club still hasn't ordered any "Beware Of Hawaiian Maniacs" signage.

5. Manly Beach, Sydney, NSW: Oh come ON! I lived in Manly on and off for seven years and I can honestly say I'd rather get my head cracked in by Sunny Garcia than risk my life among the army of European backpackers who set up camp there during summer. Utter kooks to a man and woman, they take to the water en masse as a flotilla of flesh and hired fibreglass. I've had three boards seriously dinged by Sven, Gunther and Gustaf from Sweden as they flailed about on malibus, and I sustained one nasty fin-chop courtesy of Sally from Cornwall who rode a surfboard straight into my skull. If the tourists don't getcha, Manly Council stings you $7 an hour just to park there.

6. Main Beach, Noosa, Qld: Great place. Excellent right-hand point break down the south end; pretty surrounds; great climate, nice little town backing it up. I reckon Noosa beach actually deserves to be on the list.

7. Cottesloe Beach, WA: I lost the keys to a hire car at Cottesloe Beach when I was there for work about 15 years ago. As a result, I have terrible, painful memories of the place (try losing the keys to a hire car with a flight leaving that afternoon) so I can't really give an unbiased opinion.

8. Four Mile Beach, Port Douglas, Qld: Here's another place that's popular among box jellyfish, Irukandji and Teletubbies. On this list of the "best" Aussie beaches, however, being stung to death is getting a tad passe; so it's time to introduce another killer to the mix. And I'm not talking about the ubiquitous shark. Few beaches in the world can claim 4-metre-long saltwater crocodiles might pop up in the shore-break while you're having a dip. Four Mile Beach can!

9. Surfer's Paradise Beach, Qld: One word: Schoolies.

10. Coolangatta Beach, Qld: I presume TripAdvisor is referring to the Mecca that incorporates Snapper Rocks, Rainbow Bay, Greenmount and Kirra. It's hard to argue with this inclusion although, from a surf perspective, it should be top of the list. After all, alongside Pipeline in Hawaii, Kirra is Kelly Slater's all-time favourite break. Needless to say, the crowds are horrific. Like Manly, barely a wave goes unridden. But instead of novices from Europe, the waters off Coolangatta are teeming with pro surfers and one or two world champions - infinitely more intimidating than Sven.

So while it's truly hard to fathom why the NSW South Coast is unrated, I guess we should be thankful our secret is safe. In fact, burn this after reading.