I watched Argo a few nights back. Starring Ben Affleck as CIA agent Tony Mendez, the movie tells the true story of the daring bid to rescue six US consular staff who hid in the Canadian Ambassador's residence in Tehran in 1979 after the US Embassy there was overrun by revolutionaries.
Subscribe now for unlimited access.
$0/
(min cost $0)
or signup to continue reading
(Spoiler alert!) Mendez audaciously created a phony Canadian film production crew as cover for his stranded countrymen. A movie script was optioned, a Hollywood office was set up and stories were planted in the Tinseltown press to make it all look legit.
Mendez had to coach the frightened diplomats to convince American-hating Iranian officials that they were not only Canadians, but Canadian film-makers who were in Tehran to scout locations for their futuristic space movie, Argo.
As the credits rolled I happened to switch to ABC News 24 to learn that, according to a UN human rights panel, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange - who has been inside the Ecuadorean embassy in London since 2012 (the year Argo was released, coincidentally) - was being "arbitrarily detained" there in violation of international law.
"Hmmm," I mused as I sat there weighing options and thoughtfully stroking my chin in a manner I imagine Ben Affleck as Tony Mendez might.
Assange is holed up in the embassy in order to avoid extradition to Sweden where he's wanted for questioning over two alleged sexual assaults. But he swears he's innocent and is happy to answer any questions - just not in Sweden because he fears once there he'll then be extradited to the US where things mightn't go well for him.
Whatever side of the Assange saga you sympathise with, there's no denying it's a gripping tale of espionage. It's certainly worthy of a full-blooded Hollywood dramatisation. (I fancy Guy Pearce as Assange.)
There's also no doubt Ecuadoreans - who believe Assange faces imminent danger the moment he walks out of their embassy - could be doing more to help him escape to, say, Ecuador! At least there he wouldn't be "imprisoned" until his Swedish legal woes are cleared up one way or the other.
Ecuadorean officials need to start thinking less like diplomats and more like Ben Affleck who, like any Hollywood actor/director/producer worth his salt, knows there are three sure-fire ways to get a prisoner/hostage/person in distress the hell outta Dodge before it's too late.
The Shawshank: After 20 years behind embassy walls for crimes he says he didn't commit, everyone believes mild-mannered Julian Assange has become compliant, "institutionalised" and destined to die a pathetic death while incarcerated.
Over the years Assange has become best friends with another embassy "lifer" - a secretary named Fred - who also serves as the consulate's fixer; "A man who's known to locate certain items".
Want a poster of Rita Hayworth? No problem, but it'll cost you 10 cigarettes. Need a small hammer for shaping rocks into chess pieces? That might be a bit harder to come by - and it'll cost two packs of smokes.
Days, weeks and years blur into each other until one day in 2032 when a siren at the embassy sounds just after dawn. It’s a signal the Ecuadorean Ambassador is about to hold a press conference to announce that Assange has escaped!
Turns out he spent 19 years digging his way out of his suite; the tunnel's entrance hidden behind a poster of Rita Hayworth. He made it into a London sewer that delivered him onto the banks of the River Thames - at the height of a thunderstorm.
The only problem with The Shawshank is the two decades Assange would need to spend completing the tunnel.
The Die Hard: OK, this method is quicker but comes at a cost. The plan requires a New York City cop (let's call him Bob McVale) to be invited to the embassy for Christmas drinks.
Turns out McVale's estranged wife is a lawyer working for Assange, whom Bob secretly admires for "taking on the man" . "So you work for Mr Assange, huh?" McVale smirkingly asks his wife. "Yippee ki yay."
The Christmas Eve bonhomie is shattered when arch villain Dan Goober and his team of henchmen burst in to steal the embassy's 10-tonne cache of gold bullion. Although they have hostages, they sure as hell haven't counted on McVale crashing their heinous party.
After a night of cat-and-mouse gunplay and mega-explosions as McVale wages a one man war against the criminals, Assange escapes the building with the rest of the hostages. He disappears amid the emergency vehicles, the general confusion and later boards a fishing boat for ... Ecuador!
The drawback here is the death of 17 people who perish as McVale dishes out his own brand of justice." Yipee ki yay, motherf---er!"
The Dog Day Afternoon: Julian Assange is filling out some paperwork with Geoffrey Robertson, Amal Clooney and a clutch of beautiful young lawyers when armed robbers Donny and Cal from The Bronx burst in with rifles: "OK this is a robbery. Everybody get on the floor," Danny screams.
Believing they're in a bank and that neatly-dressed Assange is the head teller, Danny instructs the Australian to open the vault. "B-b-b-but there's no safe here," Assange pleads. "This is the Ecuadorean Embassy!"
Before long it's a full-blown hostage stand-off as the building is surrounded by trigger happy cops itching to take down Danny and Cal. As night falls, negotiators agree to the robbers' demands to bus them to Heathrow Airport where a jet will be ready to fly them to ... Ecuador.
Surrounded by a human shield comprised of Assange, Clooney, Robertson et al, the gun-toting crims clamber onto the bus and are driven to the airport where Cal is shot dead and Danny is arrested at gunpoint before they make it onto the plane. Assange disappears in the chaos and scampers up the boarding steps. Ecuador, here we come!
These are all long-shots for sure, but since the Brits, the Swedes - and most definitely the US - appear thoroughly unmoved by the UN panel's findings, nor are they impressed with Assange's plea for his passport to be returned and all charges dropped, his lawyers are going to have to come up with something - fast! I reckon they should watch Argo.