No, I won't do it, and you can't make me.

I won't rip into Shane Warne for his ludicrous remarks on Steve Waugh,. It would be unfair! It would be too easy! It would be like throwing a stick of dynamite into a goldfish bowl, and calling the result "fishing!"

It would ...

Be fun, and only fair, as Waugh is too dignified to reply himself?

Oh alright. You've convinced me, as dignity has never been my strong suit anyway.

So, take it away, Shane. Tell the folks what you said again, while I get the big bungers and some matches?

"He's the most selfish cricketer I've played with ..."

Bloody hell! Really? You must have played with, like, a thousand cricketers over the years, and Steve Waugh really stands out that much?

Amazing, no, that he is a byword for "selfish" in your world, and yet no other cricketer or commentator of note has ever bandied that word around about Waugh, and instead he is regarded as the most revered leader of cricketing men of his generation?

Also weird that none of those "tell-all" books by your teammates that live off controversy for their sales have ever come up with anything along the "he's selfish" lines? (And for once I know something of it, having read many of them, and having penned a book on Waugh myself.)

But go on, what is your evidence for the charge? I'm guessing he never did any of the hard yards in building victories, always put himself on to bowl when the bunnies were up offering easy wickets at the end, that kind of thing?

Tell us all ...

"The one Test I got dropped, in the West Indies in 1999, we had to win the last Test match. At that stage, captain, vice-captain, coach used to pick the team. We went to selection. I hadn't bowled well [and] we had lost – Brian Lara batted unreal – but I felt like I was being the scapegoat, that because I didn't bowl well it was my fault.

"We got to the selection table and said 'What's everyone's thoughts?'. Steve Waugh said (to me) 'You're not playing'. I went 'What? Hang on. What do you think the team should be? Blah blah blah', and Steve Waugh said 'Nup, I'm the captain of this side ... you're not playing."

He what? He . . . WHAT?

He didn't pick you, Shane, and that makes him selfish?

But you get, Shane, surely, that the essence of selfishness is putting yourself ahead of everyone else? How is Waugh declining to pick you selfish of him? At that point, Stuey McGill was twelve wickets to the good in that series, while you had just two. You were in a rare burst of bad form, and were stinking up the joint, and Australia had lost two Tests.

So they picked Colin Miller instead of you, who bowled like a bloody bewdy, took crucial wickets, and so Australia won the Test and levelled the series.

Most commentators took it as inspired Waugh captaincy, putting the team first, no matter the celebrity of certain players, like, say, you. But you say you were made the "scapegoat?"

You mean like, say, many to this day reckon Joe the Cameraman was made the scapegoat for your sledge, and you made your own mum the scapegoat for you failing that drug test? That kind of scapegoat? (BOOM!)

(I know, I know, but I couldn't resist. What's a man to do with a stick of dynamite, and an open gold-fish bowl?)

But perhaps you just didn't like the manner he did it in, face to face like?

Maybe a text message would have been better? (BOOM!)

"I thought the situation, of having to win a Test match, would've brought the best out in me too."

But, remember I told you, they did win the Test match. (BOOM!)

Did maybe, Waugh's selfishness show up as a fatal flaw in his captaincy, the one you coveted, but never got. But hang on, his winning percentage as captain is the best of any Australian Test captain, ever! (BOOM!)

Or maybe, he was one of those blokes who went so far outside the rules in pursuit of his own advancement, he was suspended from the game for a year, selfishly bringing his whole team into disrepute. But hang on, that wasn't Steve Waugh who did that . . . it was another. (BOOM!)

"I don't like Steve Waugh for a lot of other reasons [too]…"

Ah. Perhaps you mean his selfishness in other fields, away from the cricket pitch, then Shane? Maybe be was always just putting himself ahead of, say, his ... family?

Dunno, Shane, but prima facie not a lot of evidence for that. Some cricketers, as you must have heard, selfishly turn their backs on their familial responsibilities the instant they are out of sight of them, making trouble for many apart from themselves, but Waugh has prospered with the one partner for well over three decades, and lived under the same roof as her and their kids since the day dot, so that can't be it.

So maybe you mean other stuff, then?

You must mean like he's one of those other selfish bastards who is huge on show for doing his bit and more for charity, often bearing his name, but when you get right down to it, the whole thing is an embarrassment and has to be shut down, because so little of the money being contributed actually gets to the underprivileged it is intended for and ...

And what?

You don't mean that and don't want to talk about it, and I'll hear from your lawyers? Ok, but let the record show that with precious little fanfare, and NO controversy, the Steve Waugh Foundation has quietly gone about its business, and so far supported 1,454 poor souls with rare diseases, and ...

And enough already.

I am sorry, Shane, we've voted you off the island. You are the weakest link, and your charge smells amazingly like dead fish. You are so lost in your own celebrity. Get us out of here.

And in the meantime, get over it. You were dropped. No big deal. I want to leave you with the words of one of the Twitterati who yesterday quoted Billy Birmingham channeling the late, great Tony Greig, "to me a grudge is nothing more than a place to pork your coar ..."

Park yours, please, Shane. Just shut up and eat the grubs, on "I'm A Celebrity ..." don't be one.

Twitter: @Peter_Fitz