INCYDENTAL
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Those who haven’t seen the bizarre public service message from Hollywood actor Johnny Depp and his actress partner Amber Heard, should consider sacrificing one minute, 33 seconds of their valuable time.
The pro-quarantine video is one of the great movie performances of all time. Johnny and Amber found themselves in deep water with quarantine officials when they arrived by private jet in Brisbane in 2015.
They failed to declare they were travelling with Amber’s two Yorkshire Terriers Pistol and Boo. Australian authorities were alerted via social media and an investigation began.
Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce in his rambunctious style took on Johnny and Amber for their failure to declare the playful pooches. Amber was charged.
At this point the whole situation entered a twilight zoneish vortex, leading to the creation of the delightful quarantine video.
Johnny Depp mocks dog apology. Video: SMH
Amber escaped a conviction, copping a one-month good behaviour bond.
In the words of Magistrate Bernadette Callahan, the video was of “far more benefit to this country than any conviction”.
It’s worth pondering the machinations that must have led to its creation. In fact, it is difficult to see just why Johnny and Amber would have agreed to its making.
Amber was never in line for much more than a bond. In making this video however, the pair have handed the quarantine service a marketing tool it can use for years to come. Celebrities hammering home the reasons for strong quarantine laws.
Johnny’s acting is a cinematic masterpiece. Despite not being the offender, there is little doubt he’s the star. Johnny takes a commanding role, with Amber his best supporting actress.
Johnny the contrite partner of the chastened Amber. His head movements, spectacularly non-subtle eyes, his barely restrained brooding menace and his Humphrey Bogart delivery do not disappoint.
Amber is the young woman in a strange land, in effect ‘Banged up Abroad’. The tension between the two is palpable and only adds to the viewing pleasure.
Amber in her serious voice declares “Australia is free of many pests and diseases that are common place around the world. That is why Australia has to have such strong bio security laws”.
She throws to Johnny who, in a thinly veiled swipe at Barnaby Joyce, says “Australians are just as unique, both warm and direct”. The video ends with Johnny in his best noirish tones extolling the world to “Declare everything when you enter Australia. Thanks”. It is brutal, fragile and destined to be one of the great touchstones of the 21st century.
To be fair the shortcomings of the video must be acknowledged. The absence of the playful Pistol and Boo, betrays not only a lack of imagination but robs the viewer of arguably the two most important subjects in the whole sorry debacle.
Similarly, the absence of Mr Joyce is never explained and apart from Johnny’s veiled reference, the viewer is again left pondering what could have been.
For surely if the Australian authorities were able to convince Johnny and Amber to take part in this video, they could have convinced Mr Joyce to take a co-starring role.
And so the world is left, from the detritus of two adorable possibly rabid and flea ridden undeclared canines, one of the greatest cinematic creations of all time.
If there was an Academy award category for Best Exculpatory Documentary video then Johnny and Amber would win the Grammy for best actor and best supporting actress respectively.
As for both, they join a long pantheon of international entertainers who have butted heads with Australian authorities and come off second best.
Finally, Johnny the thanks are not needed. It is us who should be thanking you.