In adolescence there's a tipping point. A time when you lose your youth and come of age. I wonder then, when do you lose your adulthood and become “elderly”? When do you cease to be seen as a man or a woman with desires? When do you become a “patient”, a “resident”, a “burden”... Perhaps it's in your 80s.
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I know that hormones and health can wreak havoc on the desire for intimacy well before that, but it's generally assumed retirees still have such desire. Having a libido is still considered part of the equation. Intimacy is still seen as vital to physical and emotional wellbeing. And then you become “elderly” ... You shouldn't be doing THAT anymore. You shouldn't have THOSE thoughts or THOSE feelings ... It becomes a worry if you find a new partner, want to room share in residential aged care, or unmet physical needs bubble over into inappropriate behaviours.
Well I say old age is no barrier to intimacy, to sexuality, to adulthood. We're often encouraged to talk about death and dying — and that's important. But we should also talk about living. How do our loved ones, our patients, our residents want to live now? What are their intimacy needs and how can we help them to meet them?
Ethical, safe solutions are everywhere. Have you heard of Stich? It's an online platform that enables people over 50 years of age to connect for romance, dates, company, activities, travel or intimacy. Traditional networks work well too — Rotary, Lions and gardening clubs have been responsible for many a second marriage (or a fling). GPs and carers are another great source of information and inspiration.
If you're over 80 and have unmet intimacy needs, don't be afraid to talk about this with loved ones or carers. And if you're the loved one or carer - listen with an open mind and help with finding safe solutions.
Nieves Murray, CEO, IRT Group, seniors lifestyle and care provider