Getting a car service is straightforward. You drop your car off, pick it up in the afternoon, the mechanic tells you all the things they "fixed" using made-up terms like "ribbed serpentine belt" and "wiper blades".
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Then you pay them a few hundred dollars because you're not going to argue with them – they're gnarly-looking, they smell of Valvoline and are swinging a chrome-plated 24-inch nut-wrench.
Getting a human service is not so straightforward. You have to go to a dentist for your teeth, optometrist for your eyes and the doctor for your pap smear or prostate check (or both, if you want to be really thorough).
It’s complicated and time consuming, which is why many people (i.e. men) choose not to get regular health checks. We'd rather just wait until a bit of us actually falls off.
Who wouldn't rather get a human service in the same way we get a car service? Just drop yourself off at a service centre with a sign out the front that says "Accredited Body Repairs, Fluid Leakage Testing, Crutch Slippage Adjustments". The mechanic parks you in the corner with others getting serviced that day. When it's your turn, the mechanic strips you, anaesthetises you and plonks you upright on a hydraulic hoist. He pokes cameras up here, fingers in there and records the results in your log book.
Then he calls over his 20-year-old apprentice: "Oiii Brayden, take over here! I've got to get back to this '82 vintage human with a remodelled chassis and a smoking problem!" So Brayden gives you a tune-up.
Later, you're carried outside where a team of underpaid uni students give you a full body wash and buff your exteriors with Turtle Wax and an old chamois.
At 4.30pm, you wake to find yourself parked on the street. You feel amazing and healthy, with that fresh new human smell.
Yeah, I think we would all prefer to get health checked like that – a one-stop, fixed-price service. With free wash and vac.