To: Mike Baird
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Macquarie St, Sydney
From: Eddie the Emu & friends
Southern NSW
Re: Mass murder
Dear Premier Baird,
I'm writing to you today on behalf of a gravely concerned group of native animals.
We live in a lovely corner of the state's South Coast: a place our various species have been proud to call home for tens of thousands of years.
As honest, hardworking creatures whose only wish is to be left alone to enjoy a peaceful life in our native land, we were shocked by recent reports that your government is planning to do away with the licences land owners require if they wish to kill us.
In other words, you want to make the mass murder of native fauna easier.
We first got wind of this proposed "Biodiversity Conservation Act" via local gossip-merchant Snuggs McDougall the bare-nosed wombat.
I was having chai with my neighbour Ken Casey the grey kangaroo on Sunday morning when Snuggs burst into my kitchen waving a copy of The Sun-Herald.
"We're doomed! Dooooomed I tell you!" the poor little marsupial moaned.
Ken and I tried to tell him he was likely over-reacting (again!) and that the sky wasn't about to fall on us.
But then I grabbed the newspaper off the inconsolable Snuggs.
Under the headline "Bill lifts controls on killing of animals" I was stunned to read the following:
A licence to kill native animals has been labelled "red tape" by the Baird government and will be abolished, prompting warnings the move will declare "open season" on kangaroos, emus, wombats and cockatoos.
The article went on to say the Royal Zoological Society of NSW has warned that removing the s121 licence would lead to the neglect of 75 per cent of the protected fauna in NSW!
The zoological types added that doing so would "abandon global-standard wildlife management practices" in NSW.
Well Premier, I nearly had a heart attack. Snuggs has been in a terrible funk ever since and is refusing to leave his house.
It's not an exaggeration to say every native critter in these parts is profoundly upset. Some refuse to believe it's true and, as you can imagine, we haven't dared tell the young ones about it.
I feel it's only right to inform you Premier that while the animals are frightened, they also feel angry, let down and betrayed. Personally. By you!
When you announced the complete ban on greyhound racing in NSW, you were the toast of animals throughout the state.
I remember Snuggs being moved to tears by the announcement.
"Finally, a politician who gets it when it comes to animal cruelty and welfare!" the little guy had said as he clutched my wing with a trembling paw and looked me in the eye.
"You know Ed, I really feel like I have a future; that my life actually means something."
You have to remember that Snuggs, Ken and a host of others down here are well used to having their loved ones treated as second-class citizens by humans.
You shoot us, set dogs on us and run us over with your cars.
It's an affront to decency to think that 86,000 native Aussie animals become road kill every year.
So when the greyhound racing ban became news, it was as if we creatures had a messiah in Macquarie St.
In fact Snuggs and a few other rusted on Greens voters in our valley swore they'd vote Liberal at the next State election based on the courage you showed in facing down the powerful vested interest who tried to stand in your way.
"If he's prepared to stand up and fight for the dignity and survival of some funny looking dogs, surely he'll be a premier that Australia's proud native fauna can rely on for protection," Snuggs said at one of our community forums back in July.
But now Snuggs and others are simply aghast. They believe your scrapping of the s121 licence is a fait accompli.
They point to your forced council amalgamations and the hard-line against the greyhound racing industry as evidence that you are unlikely to be swayed by lobbying.
Other animals are outright insulted by what they perceive as arrogance - not least the kangaroos.
As my neighbour Ken Casey put it to me while chatting over the fence yesterday: "Who on earth does Mike Baird think he is? Is he on the Coat of Arms? Well, is he? Does he want to put a couple of greyhounds on the Coat of Arms instead of you and me? Does he know who I am? Does he know who you are? Who is Mike Baird? Tosser!"
It's hard to find fault with the sentiment Premier, no matter how indelicately Ken puts it.
While Ken and I are proud to appear on the Coat of Arms, it's not lost on us that this formal symbol signifies Commonwealth authority and "ownership".
We outright reject your assumed ownership over our affairs and, by extension, our very existence.
However we do disagree on how best to get our point of view across to government.
I believe it's only fair to alert you to the fact there has been talk of rebellion among certain species.
I don't need to tell you what kind of torment a well-organised flock of cockatoos can unleash on a private property.
Or the foul mess they could make of, say, a premier's car.
And I trust you've spent enough time driving around rural NSW to know that it takes just one roo to lurch into the path of, say, a premier's car, to cause an almighty ... well, you know.
I hasten to add this is not a threat, sir, just a statement of fact.
Being perhaps the more reasonable species on the Coat of Arms - no offence to Ken - I always prefer to take a diplomatic approach.
So please, Premier Baird, reconsider your "open season" on native animals. Pretend, for a moment, that we're greyhounds.
Yours sincerely,
Eddie (& friends)