Welcome to Football Federation Australia’s Illawarra edition of ‘Married at First Sight’.

Because the current format is so completely ridiculous, we’ve revamped it, making it more like the 1980s hit ‘Perfect Match’. It’s simple. You, the humble football – sokkah – fan, can ask a series of questions to the three potential A-League entrants standing behind the wall. 

But choose wisely, because who you marry today will be your only shot at happiness and success on Australia’s elite stage.

Now before we start, be aware we are also shooting versions of this show around the country. 

Geelong, South Melbourne, Tasmania, Brisbane, Perth and Adelaide are other locations and let’s face it, if their version is better than yours, the episode may never make it to the television screen at all.

Now, let’s get on with the show.

Contestant No.1 is tall, dark and handsome. 

He’s considered an ideal catch by the FFA, with a big population area and potential to be a huge player in the competition.

The only problem is, no-one really likes him and based on the personality tests done before the show, it’s likely this will be a loveless marriage, or certainly one based on convenience. 

Sure, he’ll produce some flashy goals, maybe even a couple of trophies, to keep you wanting to fall deeply in love. 

But deep down, you know there’s no real emotional connection, because he spends most of his time away in Cronulla, or Kogarah, and not with you in Wollongong.

Still, what if it really is your only chance at love in the A-League? Contestant No.1’s cousin, St George Illawarra has been the most successful of the NRL joint ventures, but many on the South Coast still struggle to completely accept them as their own, almost 20 years later. Contestant No.2 is an unshaven, blue-collar battler, who still regularly talks about his glory days, a time when people were relieved the millennium bug wasn’t actually a thing. He has something of a shady past and has been to some dark places in his time, but it’s character building, right?

As much as some struggle to warm to him, many accept he’s a loveable rogue.

Showing signs of reform, contestant No.2 is hoping to earn your trust and show everyone deserves a second chance in life.

He’s a bit of a romantic at heart and would love to reunite with some of his old mates, like Perth Glory, who he still likes to taunt and reminisce with about the 2000-01 NSL grand final. 

There’s also suggestion contestant No.2 has a wealthy guardian angel by the name of Bruce, who is interested in putting him on the right path.

And then there’s contestant No.3. No-one knows much about him, he’s rarely seen in public or talked about, but some like the look of him. He has no history – at all – but some like his potential as a fresh-faced Wollongong-based club, to mould into something great, without any involvement in the family politics of football in the region.

Now, while you consider your options, we’ll be right back after the break (cuts to commercial).

There’s a belief the premise of the A-League’s ‘Perfect Match’ criteria is to dictate the terms of who the expansion clubs will be. And of course, there has to be a tangible means of measuring the strength of various rival bids for entry in the new competition. But you’re the fan and there’s no point having a giant Sydney super club, involving the Illawarra, if no-one likes it. 

This columnist has previously written a column accepting the super club concept, because at the time, it appeared to be the only realistic option for Wollongong to be involved. But the momentum certainly appears to be shifting behind a stand-alone club of our own. And there’s no doubt fans on the South Coast would be more prepared to back it than have anything to do with a team in Sydney.