A word of warning before we embark on this Bachelor recap. We are going in deep. Like René Descartes or Timothy Leary we will question what is real and this could be shaky ground on television. I cannot promise we will make it out. We may never be the same.
Because this is reality TV with real people, real lives. Right? Well tonight Our Jen from A̶l̶b̶i̶o̶n̶ Hyde Park Rail might be auditioning for the new show hosted by that well known friend of women, Piers Morgan.
We start with all the “girls” sitting around in the mansion preening each other's hair which is what women do when there aren't any men around and they're thinking about men. Which is pretty much what they think about. And hair.
What did I miss? Last week’s recap: more cream, a stallion, and Jen hangs tough
Dear John (Walker). In comes Osher clasping a letter and a bottle of whisky, a twosome which always signifies happiness. Like asps and a hot bath, or poetry and a gas oven.
On this night our Ted Hughes memorial judas cow is a metrosexual named Matty who appears on a rooftop dressed as a bogan Seinfeld with jeans, white sneakers and a flanno.
Yep it’s a solo date with Florence at Australia Towers near the Olympic stadium in Homebush, which might be iconic if people recognise or like the place. Importantly, it’s not Australia Square with the revolving buffet so you can count me out.
Last week Florence took the power back as a saucy Dutch teacher, so now Matty is determined to turn the tables by throwing her off a skyscraper.
They don his’n’hers corset-straitjackets and prepare for some rappelling. It’s a nice touch nice how hers is cut like a full-torso wonderbra.
Florence is not convinced about this jumping off a building thing. She tell us: “My whole body is screaming ‘abort mission you stupid b***h run away it’s not worth it just go back to Melbourne and live your life’.” Fair point perhaps but if Florence was sensible like that she wouldn’t be rappelling in heels.
Matty is a sensitive bloke and he can feel her fear; in fact he feeds on it. “We’re in this together and I’m not going to leave her side” he says, a commitment which is easier to keep when she’s tied to you with rope.
They really jump, off a real building, and it’s really scary, and really quite a thrill. For a second date Matty is planning to have them wake up in a panic aboard a sinking ship. Perhaps a trip on the Costa Concordia.
Read more: Austinmer body painter canvasses a Bachelor
Meanwhile back at the mansion, the yard has been transformed into a sexy gym and Cobie is sad. She cries because this gig with Florence is the first single date Matty has had since his three hours with Cobie, and in her Queensland mining camp culture that’s pretty much married. She thought it was real.
Florence cops a grilling as Matty asks her whether she wanted to move to Australia to settle down. Does she say yes to show she's committed, or does she say no darling it’s not until I met you that I knew what I wanted. Such a labyrinth this TV love.
Whatever she said works and Matty says ok “well answered”. Which leads us to pash time and this one’s also real. They steam up the screen and look ready for more.
Phee-yew! Time for an ad break and if the rest of Australia could only see that wonderful spot for Casa Mia at Fairy Meadow then maybe they’d find their fit.
Now the “romance” and the “date” have finished up we can move on to the real game of thrones back at the mansion. It’s time for a double date and we’ve seen a bit of Our Alix from Austinmer which makes me worried she’s destined for the block. She does seem too real for this game.
But no it’s Elizabeth and Our Jen who are chosen to fight it out, which avid viewers would know is a resumption of the “That dress is putrid” drama from early on. The mood in the car is like someone just dropped the last bottle of Savvy B.
Matty says having to choose between Liz and Jen is such a weight on his shoulders. He doesn’t have much nice to say about Jen, but don’t worry, she’ll make it up later.
Liz says she's not about to “jump through any hoops to win his affection” which is another way of saying pack your bags, dude.
The date is about as fun as sitting on a kerb waiting an hour for a taxi with your two least favourite exes.
But we do get some insight into Our Jen, and why she is here. She reckons she might be “wifey” material, by which she means she might star in Real Housewives of Albion Park. There’s that word again. Real.
Read more: Jen won’t complain, but tries to entertain
Jen tells us how brother had a baby and she reacted by thinking “am I being left behind?” She confides that “that was a reality slap”. So she went on reality TV to compete with her brother and poor Matty is just a pawn in her game.
Jen is confident that as long as she convinces herself he loves her, then it might become reality. She’s learned that at an expensive motivational course. “I am an absolute contender to be the last girl” she says, imaging the show as a fight to the death.
Liz tells Matty a relationship is like a bank account that you can’t overdraw and even he hasn’t heard that one before. He pretends “it makes a lot of sense” but what he means is pack your bags.
Liz takes it in her stride. “I wasn't going to be a performing seal and put on a show that wasn't true to myself,” she says, and I fear for the future of television in this new age of genuineness which is dawning.
Jen’s back from the date with a rose and the look of the cat that got the cream.
She tells everyone: “That's when he talked about all the traits about me that he really really likes. He thinks I’m really really beautiful, he thinks that I'm funny. He likes that I'm really confident, he thinks that's a very attractive quality for a woman to possess.” She’s taken leave of her senses.
Unlike some quotes I didn’t make those ones up. You couldn’t invent that. Ermagherd she’s become a psychopath.
“Did you kiss?” asks someone.
“I'm not going to answer that one today,” Jen says in the way PR people speak but real people could only dream of.
Our Laura who’s from West Wollongong gets a rose and of course she does because she’s got this thing sewn up.
So is anyone going hoyme? Just then some more drama breaks out and it’s Sian who is “doubting the process” and raising hell. “I’m better than this. I don't like him”, she stomps and hides in a bathroom. A producer follows her in (mic on) and says “of course we want you here” because that remote on her belt controls Matty's heart.
She asks if Sian wants to speak to Matty. “Why don't you go outside and talk to Matty and that would be something real.”
Sian “hates the process” with all these cameras in your face. This is heresy: if there's one thing you must do it's Trust The Process.
The rose ceremony begins and some people get kept. Sian the heretic however is rolling her eyes because she has been possessed by the demon Baal.
Matty is about to hand out, or not hand out, a rose but then he stops and ... we fade to black and “to be continued”! Another show comes on.
Is this for real? Now I know channel Ten is in administration and its identity is messy now it's Ten-on-WIN, but really?
Reality shows love dragging out the tension but not across days. It’s always “to be continued” but at least you get some action after giving an hour.
And the fans are cranky. It almost makes me want to finish this recap mid-sentence as if I'd