Spooky music should be playing because Matty is warming up to dump his 16^th girl. Or 17^th? I can’t remember. You can be sure Matty remembers – he carves a notch into his bedpost after each one he dispatches. And tonight he tries out a new method: just take ‘em by surprise. Take her on a fun date and just when everything is sweet, show her to a waiting car. Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

Then it’s off to dump another!

The climax of this Bachelor series could well be whether, once he gets it down to just one last girlfriend, he’ll just go ahead and dump her too as his blind vengeance reaches full tilt.

READ MORE:  It’s payback time for Matty J

Matty, as you might know, almost won the heart of former Bachelorette Georgia Love in a previous series. If you didn’t, don’t worry, he reminds us *again* tonight. But she dumped him, and this series follows his mission of revenge on womankind. 

He’s been downstairs in his basement going through his pre-dumping ritual. He sharpens up his notching knife, prepares his dumping lines, practices his facial expressions, gnashes his teeth.

Remember last week Elora tried to sneak a pash from Matty – with others around! That was a scandal but by the looks of the highlight reel he’s getting his lips busy on all of them. He’s going to have some explaining to do once he and his bride are united – after she’s had a chance to watch the show.

The ladies are asked to rank themselves from 1 to 6 regarding certain characteristics. Who’s the funniest. Most considerate. Etc.

Elora nominates herself as considerate. Florence isn’t buying it. “You did try to kiss our boyfriend at a cocktail party,” she says. “That is not considerate.”

To be fair, Florence has described this situation perfectly. And to be fair Elora has a pretty high opinion of herself for everything, not just being coniderate. But then they announce a “prize” and it's a James Blunt gig at the casino. Which is hardly fair.

​”Seeyassly?” they ask. ​”Seeyassly?” 

Next up is who’s the most down to earth. “Now remember, this is a self-organising situation,” says Osher, feeling he should remind the woman that for once they’re not being ranked by a man.

READ MORE:  Bachelor fine for a feminist, says Laura

Elora decides she's the most down to earth. She may be a fire-twirling Earth Mother from Tahiti but dude that's not actually what it means.

Tara jokes Elora is like the Statue of Liberty just standing there. Not a student of anatomy our Tara.

Now on to Laura, who is the reason we’re watching. Laura’s from West Wollongong, she’s quite genuine, and she’s charmed Matty into a big smooch a few times now. She’s a firm favourite. Only a week and a bit to go now.

Our Laura is generally willing to step back if there's a conflict over these rankings. Bad move. Osher reveals the counting system only rewards the biggest self-promoters, because this show is set in Sydney. This gig is for the alpha types so Laura drops out because she’s trying to keep her real alpha in check.

Now they need to nominate things that would be a “deal breaker” in a relationship. Not wanting kids, being stubborn, bad manners, these things accompany the obvious “lying” and “cheating” but really don't knock it ‘til you've tried.

Two of them then get to walk down a pretend aisle to Matty and read some pretend vows to him. Elise said some pretty general stuff and I think the same was written on a $2-shop tea-towel. Elora trumped her with some intense romantic fate stuff but her fate has already been sealed. He’s just waiting his chance.

Matty has decided he and Elise want “exactly the same things out of life”. They go on a date and Elise does a lot of agreeing. Yep they’re perfect.

The guy behind the piano is James Blunt and he starts singing. He hasn’t returned from his long absence much better at singing, just more intense.

They get up and dance but really if there’s ever been a singer where it’s better to stay seated for it’s Blunners. The joke’s on Elise because if you listen to Blunt’s lyrics they’re mostly breakup and goodbye songs. Yep, even the really big one.

Off to the ads. The Shellharbour Club is serving burgers and dumplings in an area they have called “Precinct” because that will trick the bearded hipsters who will then follow their cool sense all the way into the big box club. 

It’s way better than the other club ads which show pics of their dining rooms empty, as if that looks appealing. “Looks good dear, don’t think we’ll have trouble finding a table close to the loos”, the target market for those empty club ads must say.

Next up Matty is off on a date with Cobie and he gives her a helmet. She flips. “Omygord it’s the greatest” and if only scoring was always this easy. Cobie is doing her best to be enthusiastic because last week Lisa got dumped for being ambivalent. Cobie won’t make that mistake but she’s about to get dumped anyway she just doesn’t know it.

They go on a climb and Cobie is wishing she packed a bra. For his part Matty is not wearing socks because Gen Y make a statement like that.

They do a high obstacle course and share a fake hug.

Then it’s off for a candlelight chat and Matty has Cobie exactly where he wants her – we’ve reached the outskirts of Dumpsville, three lanes moving fast.

Matty smells fear and cliches. He reassures her by taking about when he was in this spot last series. He’s still on about his ex and she wasn't even an ex!

He starts listing Cobie’s qualities – sweet, caring, great – because he’s trying out a different dumping method with this one. She won’t see the cliff coming ‘til she’s off it. Less stress for the prey. There are pickup artists but Matty’s the opposite. He’s a breakup artist.

”That spark’s not here. I was really wanting it to be” etc etc says Matty.

He says she’s one in a million. Then tells her he's taking her to the car. He’s not even going to go through a rose ceremony to dump this one. Those things can take hours to film. You're so unique and so special so amazing etc etc as he opens the car door. Get in.

“I think now more than ever it's important that I make decisions based on what's right for me” says Matty, announcing a dramatic change from how he normally acts.

Cobie is doing this talk-with-your-eyes-closed thing which doesn’t hide the fact she’s really upset. At least she died doing what she loved, they’ll say later.

“You can't fight fate – it just wasn't meant to be” reasons Cobie, because when reality TV love matching has let you down, nothing is real anymore. You have to put your faith in something.

More ads. Dominos is fresh apparently, Southern Classic something … it was spoken too fast for me to hear, and Ten has replaced Offspring with another unlucky-in-love battler who pulls various faces for the camera. Despite the handsome leading man it just looks like face-pulling. It’s a show called The Wrong Girl, and that really would be a more appropriate name for the show we’ve just watched. In fact, the whole point seems to be picking out wrong girl after wrong girl and sending them down the river. Yep, revenge is sweet.

Osher turns up and announced Cobie’s finished, sharing the brutality around.

”As you can appreciate it was an incredibly difficult decision for Matty,” Osher says, making him the only person in the world who thought so.

But wait! There will be a rose ceremony in five minutes to dump someone else! That’s how incredibly difficult it was – Matty wants to go again. The bachelor’s bust-lust hasn’t been sated. He’s got dump fever! He’s dumping more than a dodgy builder up around Darkes Forest! He’s his own personal skip company!

The ladies are shaken up, which only the human beings among us would understand. ”It does make you question everything and it does make you feel so insecure,” says Laura in an insightful comment that somehow made it to air.

They all stress and at the hastily-convened rose ceremony it’s Elora who doesn’t get one. Osher the undertaker walks in and there’s tears.

Matty has his lines worked out. She’s a “free spirit” and he wouldn’t want to “clip her wings” etc etc.

Elora is genuinely upset as she thought he might be “the one”. That’s why Matty is such an expert TV dumper. Half of them don’t even see it coming. Gotcha!

In the next episode we’re all hoping Laura brings Matty to West Wollongong to meet the family. Look out for them around town!