Welcome dear reader to Decision Time on the Bachelor. Matty has had enough of kicking tyres and he’s feeling sad that he only gets to dump one more lady. But he’ll make it a good one!
Will it be the vivacious down to earth Elise or the independent creative Laura? Yes, the word vivacious still exists!
The show starts with some greatest snogs footage as Matty praises them both. Elise is so down to earth he says, down to earth, down to earth. Guys his isn’t just a breakup HE’S PLANNING TO BURY HER!
I actually care about her beyond words, he continues, whatever there is beyond words.
Laura’s turn. She is “one of he most independent people” he’s ever met. He’s seen her imprisoned in a mansion for three months.
Matty says “I really can see a future with each one”. Then Laura says “he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world”. CLANG!
This episode is set in Thailand because if we heard the same palava about the same half-feelings in the same setting I’d set fire to myself. Oops we’re flying Air Asia so I might not have to. I check the guide to make sure this episode doesn't end early.
It’s off to meet the family. Or at least two of them. Two of Matty’s brothers aren’t allowed to talk. I do hope they’re here “for the right intent”, says Matty’s mum, who taught him his syntax.
I do feel like I'm falling in love with him, I really do, says Elise, who doesn't look like she really is. But she knows the score.
Sister Kate can't be here because she's pregnant and it's “not safe to fly”, Matty says. We saw her just a few weeks ago and she wasn’t far along. Think they mean the airline.
Brother Tom insights that the girls are same-same-but-different. He heard someone say that on Khao San Road.
Matty says the family is very important. Elise says family is very important. They both say family is important to him so it's important to her so it's important to him which is important to her. Matty and Elise meet up and she goes the pash. He keeps his mouth closed. She should just read the galangal leaves and get out of there.
Brother Tom gives Elise a grilling about her previous love life because he’s lonely and Sydney people are chancers. He likes being on telly. Elise’s responses are mostly edited out.
Dresses are 50 per cent off at Pretty Little Thing – from $16! But you only get 50 per cent of the dress.
Back to the family. Mum tells Elise you’re getting to know “Matt” in “this illusion here” of the Bachelor TV show. Makes you wonder. But night falls so it’s business time. Enter Laura.
Matty and Laura act surprised to see each other which is funny given the rumours they’ve dated before.
Laura is dragged before the Family who want to know all this stuff you can get from her bio on the Ten website. She talks a million miles an hour from nerves. The brothers aren't so comfy because they know she's out of their league. And jeez she's taking fast.
Tom wants her to slow down and talk about hobbies. Laura reckons that's a bit weird. Hobbies are for people who don’t live in the Eastern Suburbs dude. We just glam. But she can't stop her mouth. Laura prepared for the family visit with a big fat line of coke she stole from the elephant we’ll meet later. Even Matty looks embarrassed for her.
Ad break. We're so relieved the heat is off Laura that we'll buy anything. Toilet paper, tyres, leather couches, Mitchell's fruit, I’ve FOUND MY FIT! Hallelujah I’ll take the lot.
Laura’s display was a shocker. Is her goose cooked? Brother Tom takes her for a “talk” which is strange because he can't pronounce words very well.
Tom tells Laura she doesn't have same “outdoor vibe” as Elise, which feels like being hit in the face with a shovel. Laura’s shocked. What a pr*ck. I’m shocked too because Tom doesn't look like he's been outdoors in a decade.
Mum played hockey. Elise was a Hockeyroo. Laura speaks so fast. If it's up to the family Laura is finished. So Laura pulls out the big guns, says she's in love with him, and does some cry taking. Mum says it's time for some confirmation one way or the other so LET'S GET IT OVER WITH PLEASE!
Elise has found a deserted beach in Thailand which says something about her ability to attract people.
It’s off on a date. “I am extremely excited” says Matty and you know what they say about people who say the word “extremely” a lot. They go out deep in the ocean and Elise says that's fitting because she feels deep too. Kill me. There’s a pash-a-thon on the boat.
Matty says the view is “breathtaking – but so is the woman next to me”. They're made for each other.
Matty leads both women on as if they’re the one forever. All the way to the end. His loyalty is to the production not to the people he's dragging along and that just shocks me so much. In TV land of all places. The only thing that can save Matty's reputation now is if they all move to Utah and live as husband and wife and wife.
Elise is scoring goals. But she gets sad because it could be the end. He gives her nothing. You'll find out at the end, he says. You’re a bit player, he means. Out of words, they play tonsil hockey.
Ads. Mangoes are a little slow to ripen this year and because Woollies cares about their growers they agree to delay collection a couple of weeks. Just don’t expect we’ll pay full price as well.
Time for Laura’s date; a helicopter ride. Twice Laura says it’s “surreally” picturesque. Clocks are melting everywhere. They marvel at the cute fishing village that floats, filled with cute fishermen who earn $3 a day. There’s laughs but it’s not intimate.
We meet an elephant who is by far the coolest character we've seen in this series. They wash the elephant, get sprayed, pash next to the elephant, as you do.
Off for a raft ride down the river. It rains so they snog some more. This isn't Matty's courtship it’s his buck's party.
Laura says they’re never stuck for conversation and you can finish that gag: it’s because --- ----- ----- --!
Hey there’s a makeout couch and the makeout music starts up again – that American Beauty knockoff based on the xylophone ringtone that comes for free in your iPhone.
Back into the deep conversation: I'm scared, I don't want it to be the end, I want it to be the beginning, you're worth the risk, you make me feel special. Matty doesn't say much but really he doesn't get the chance.
Back comes that music from when Elora almost took Matty to bed – the old Samuel Barber meets Man From Snowy River. Lips are locked.
Damn whoever wins this show is going to have some graphic images of other women to get out of their mind. Laura cracks. We hear a producer as if she’s OK. Laura wipes away the tears with fingers adorned with silver rings. She designs jewellery you know. You can buy it on her website.
The ladies get dressed for the big finish. Matty’s still going on an on. Laura is the perfect mix of beauty and strength etc. Elise would be so easy because we’re so alike etc. They head to an island which the locals call Death Island. Koh Khwam Tay. Someone always gets left behind. Osher turns up and did you know his name is Thai for undertaker? Khudhlum fanghsphosher.
Osher asks Matty if he's in love and Matty dodges the question like none of the ladies were ever allowed to do. Matty goes to stand on a big carpet. Whichever girl arrives first loses. Whoever comes to you with the Brazini meeting is the traitor.
Ad break. There’s a spot for sports betting and some power tools on sale. Haha blokes you’re busted! Focus groups show you're watching.
“It is such an uncomfortable position to be in ... there's nothing but worry and anxiety” – says Matty, full of self-awareness about who is making the women feel that way.
A boat lands. Remember whoever arrives first gets a very special prize – being No.21 in the show Matty Dumps 21 Women. It's Elise.
Laura wins! Laura wins! We suspected she was headed for heartbreak and misery. Laura thought that too. Something for the showrunners to be proud of if they weren't doing this with real people.
Matty is coming off the long run-up. This could be his last dumping for a while. Elise can smell it. Her heart sinks. He gives her a big speech about how he cares and that's as close to an explanation as she’s going to get. “I ... am glad that ... I ... met you.”
He packs her on her way. Just like that it’s over. Yesterday it seems like forever but now she's sobbing alone in a Thai limo, destination Koh Splitsville. Elise is “confused as to whether it was worth it” and I reckon I could answer that for you.
Matty has shown us the pickup artist, the breakup artist and the bullshit artist. After telling Australia he was heartbroken by being tossed off at Redfern on The Bachelorette, he’s led both of these women along all the way. And now he lets Laura sweat and freak out all the way to the end.
But now she arrives is looking chuffed. The boat driver Channerong told her Elise had already been and gone. But that means nothing to Matty the Mad Dumper. Will he dump Laura as well just to make it a nice even 22?
I’ve been glued to her every word, Matty lies. All the horses in the spring carnival couldn’t make that much glue.
Laura is on the verge of a coronary. She has no idea which way it’s going. She pleads with him to get it over. Words for an executioner not your lover. And just for one final, ultimate neg, he makes her sweat all the seconds til the end.
Finally Matty can Tell Laura I Love Her. She bows her head in something like relief. “I wasn't expecting that ... I was so ready for you to break my heart,” she said.
So there we are. Their relationship, whatever comes of it, starts not with glee but with the feeling he was about to shatter her but didn't. We’ll call that love shall we?
Music tries to make us feel like it’s an uplifting moment but there's two songs playing at once – a devotional number and the chase scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Hooray for Laura! Credits roll. Quick turn it over … too late. Within seconds the next show is on – The Wrong Girl. In the sport pages of another paper they might call that ironic.
Will this couple last? Do they have a chance once the celeb appearance merry go round quietens down, and she starts looking for depth? Go ahead lovers, prove us wrong.
Can’t get enough? About last night: the previous episode recapped