The Bachehlor recap: Wollongong claims another favourite schemer

Shooting for the top: Our Jen has all the moves.
Shooting for the top: Our Jen has all the moves.

So that “to be continued” from yesterday? Turns out the reason Matty STOPPED THE ROSE CEREMONY is because Sian was fed up and didn’t want to continue. So instead of salvaging some pride she did what we all would do and stood in line rolling her eyes. 

And with Liz bailing out so willingly in the same episode, Sian may have delivered a double blow which Bach Cred may not have withstood. Best to spread it over two episodes, someone thought.

If you ended up here by mistake, this is where we recap a television show called The Bachelor in case you missed last night’s adventures and hi-jinks. Especially those featuring Our Jen from Albion Hyde Park, Our Alix from Austinmer, and Our Laura from West Wollongong who like Obi-Wan possesses The Force.

Top dog: Laura rules the roost.

Top dog: Laura rules the roost.

BUT FIRST SOME BREAKING NEWS: Wollongong can claim a fourth Bachelor contestant, the Mercury can reveal. Yes that’s right: Leah Costa, the duplicitous schemer who forgot to pack underwear and who last week pretended to have a soft side, may have moved to Melbourne but on her Facebook page says she is from Wollongong. So we all love her now. 

But for now it’s Matty; he bails up Sian Who Doubted and lays down the law. “The kind of doubt you've got at the moment I can't see that anything is going to come to fruition here,” he says. His job is to doubt, but the women have to be certain they want this at all times.

Sian positively skips out of there. “I think he put me out of my misery” she trumpets.

She doubted him: Awmagawd awmagawd awmagawd.

She doubted him: Awmagawd awmagawd awmagawd.

Back in his role as middle-manager for a TV production company, Matty tries a pep talk. “The environment that we’re in right now is so foreign and it's weird and strange (that’s the understanding side) but it definitely doesn't stop you from falling in love with somebody (do your job). You know: I know this (I did it so you must).”

“Now more than ever the thought of falling in love makes it all worthwhile,” he says while there's still about 17 women left.

But Matty has taken yesterday’s deep dive into philosophy to heart and delivers a warning. If you don’t emerge as my disciple, we’re finished. See that sign on the opening credits? The Bachelor. That’s ME OK? 

“She was really questioning what was real what wasn't and even questioning like things that I was saying, if they were genuine or not,” Matty says about Sian.

“I just want to say to you ladies that I'm not someone who’s just some puppet that's being told what to do. When you receive a rose in the rose ceremony that's because it's entirely my decision. There is absolutely no-one that's telling me what to do or when people need to leave.”

Awmagawd: She doubted him awmagawd awmagawd.

Awmagawd: She doubted him awmagawd awmagawd.

No doubt. Remember the night before when we saw the producer “Jasmine” with the remote control telling Sian “we want you here”? Well that had nothing to do with this speech. 

Either way the ladies love it. “He just sounds like he really meant it,” said Natalie who might as well save her energy because she’s about to get kicked out. Oops sorry but if you’re here for the gripping love-tension may I recommend the televised version.

“Ladies, come get amongst it,” calls Laura as if amongst was a word. Meanwhilst Laura is looking more radiant and assured each episode and soon the producers will admit she is running the show.

They open the order and it's Tara for a single date.

Matty again explains his demands. “I want to laugh the whole time but I also want to see a serious side,” he says because he’s a sadist and demanding simultaneous opposites makes him laugh.

Tara spends a while squawking and then they try a tandem bike ride which means more squawking.

Then it’s off to a kitchen where Tara suggests they’re cooking something. “We might be cooking I don't know,” Matty actually says. He may be awaiting his instructions from Jasmine’s remote.

Tara on her fave body part

Tara fixates on his bum and lets us know all about it. Arse arse arse. She cannot say it enough. They cook some pasta or something because of Tara’s dietary requirements that all her food must have an arse in it. Parse-ta. Carserole. Arse-o bucco. Brarse-ll sprouts. Parse-nip. Quesadillarse. Rump steak. I could go on.

“Can cook, likes a drink. Tick, marry me,” says Tara who is not quite as demanding as Matty.

Time for a group date and it’s skydiving. Which one will be the most scared and get all the cuddles we wonder. Our Jen has the answer. “I think every time Simone sees something new, she's got something new to cry about,” she says. High fives. Down with Simone.

Feel the fear: They all jumped out of a plane.

Feel the fear: They all jumped out of a plane.

Simone is panicking. But instead of counting herself out, an opportunity to be the centre of attention can't be missed.

Everyone jumps and it looks like a blast. There's just two left. “She just has fear written all over her face; she's crying ..." says Matty which is not enough for him to hear "no". Nope Simone just needs a big man to grab her.

He's a gentleman so he makes sure the women are chucked out first. But wait! It turns out Simone can pull herself together and jump, which she does. Matty's “so proud of Simone” and if she just played it cool he would not be. So clever.

“I can't even put it together in words,” says Matty then proceeds to do so.

It all pays off for Simone who wins a solo date on account of her bravery. And the Don Quixote medal for conquering a dragon all of her own making.

Don't slip: Laura couldn't afford clothes so borrowed a small cloud.

Don't slip: Laura couldn't afford clothes so borrowed a small cloud.

On the date Simone doesn't have much else to say but words aren't really her thing. He takes her to the pashing chair but no action.

Time for an ad break. I found my fit at Casa Mia, says the bra ad, which is funny because bras are banned on this show.

Jen, who hasn’t yet found her fit with Matty, complains. “The thing with the cocktail parties is there's no elegance, no respect for what we're doing. Just bogan, bogan, bogan” she says, just before the rapid response team breaks down the door and it’s time to get some help for those delusions.

A contestant called Elise who is probably from somewhere which is not the Illawarra takes control and leads Matty up onto a bridge for a fishing game. She will find out next week what happens to people who flip the power on Matty J. It’s a little game we call “concrete boots”.

Yes there is someone called Sharlene on the show and she wants to chat to Matty. But she runs into an invisible force wall projected by Laura, who has decided there’s a queue and you can wait. Sharlene bounces off the forcefield and stumbles away to genuflect before Laura.

Give me that rose: Jen has all the expressions.

Give me that rose: Jen has all the expressions.

Everyone is a bit gobsmacked but only because they’re slow to grasp the true power of Laura. This includes Jen who acts like you can't claim spots and to prove it she jumps in ahead of both of ‘em. There's two types of people, beyatches.

“We're not here to make friends ... Go Jen!” says someone. Someone called Jen.

Another ad break comes and it’s an ad for this very show. Next week. In case watching isn’t enough to keep you interested. In case you don’t know it will be continued unless they say “to be continued”.

At rose time Matty is not interested in Natalie who if you ask me looked more like Georgia from last year than anyone. So there goes that.

But poor Jen is really getting cranky. “If he gets to know me I am a 100 per cent contender to be the last girl,” she fumes.

At some stage Jen may have to face the fact her game plan is strong on taking down women, but doesn't yet include finding a way to get along beautifully with the dude in question.

Naaaaaah. As if!

  • The Bachelor Australia screens at 7.30pm Wednesday and Thursday but we can’t guarantee closure at the end of any episode.


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