Gather round as I take you back to last night. It’s dark and windy and Wollongong is about to lose one of our ambassadors from the Bachelor.
But first we’ll finish watching Hard Quiz with Tom Gleeson because he’s brilliant. A young trainspotter has a real lot of knowledge about Thomas the Tank Engine, and it’s enough to beat a grown man with a lot of knowledge of the royal family of England.
Over to WIN, where Paul Kelly has been on The Project and if that's not weird enough, The Bachelor’s Wollongong contingent is proving We Own This Show.
We're promised Leah, who’s from Wollongong but says she’s from Melbourne, has some “secrets from her past”. Such as being from Wollongong. It says so on Facebook.
She also says her occupation is architecture student. Architecture may be the mother of all arts, but this might be closer related to the oldest profession, if you know what I mean, cough, cough.
Poor Matty needs to get away from all these girls hogging the camera so he goes for a swim where it can be just him and the lens.
That triggers a flashback from the previous serious and Matty talked in this weird way back then too.
Take me to the mansion where the fashion police have dumped Jen's romper for a collection of short-short overalls, some short-short highpants, and a Wilma Flintstone outfit worn by the cop Michelle.
In comes an intruder but it's actually Matty’s sister Kate so they try to suck up to her.
Turns out there's a wedding planner called Sharlene on the show and she reckons this is a sharp move. That’s why they call her Sharplene. When they call her anything which is not often.
Hooray! Our Alix from Austinmer scores a single date but her colleague from Albion Park, Jen, doesn't buy it. She decides Alix is headed for the friend zone.
READ MORE:Austi’s Alix canvasses a Bachelor
Leah starts crying for some reason. Someone suggests she “might have some skeletons in the closet with her business” and we’re going to be hearing those words a lot.
Alix is whisked off in an Aston Martin and we see this episode is set in Western Sydney, everyone's romantic destination of choice. Perhaps a WRX might have been a better fit.
Kate the sister now picks them off one by one and first is Leah. They get straight into the “rumours” about what her “party planning” business might be. They speak in euphemisms, saving the real adult stuff for when they’re at the child care centre later.
Leah is not impressed by the other girls who are chasing “fame and if you fall in love it's a cherry on top”. That’s everyone else not her.
Our Alix also has some secrets in her past. She claims to be a body painter but she’s really a former elite netballer. Will she be caught out? All these sporty dates won’t help her keep the secret. Alix acts tough but she's anxious.
Matty is at it again with his shameless moves – this time it’s the old “let me hold your bare legs while I show you how to wakeboard”. Sick! says Alix. Sick! and you can feel the romance.
They go somewhere where they can be alone but the most exciting thing that happens is Alix smashing her teeth on the champagne glass. He gives her a massage which is all very clean and doesn’t look much good really.
Alix comes across as very nice. Matty reckons she could be cool ... But is it romance? “All she has to do is just let it happen,” he says, knowing full well that any romantic failures on this show are always the girls’ fault.
He gives her a rose but then complains she's “making it so difficult because she keeps bringing up all the other girls in the house”. He's “unnerved” and we know it's over for Alix, soon. Once he says something negative the bubble bursts.
Back to Kate who can see through anyone. She takes grumpy Simone away and the way Simone is acting we suspect she’ll soon turn out to be from Wollongong too.
She hates Leah who she thinks “tried to break” her. But she has trouble coming. Outside the reality house the Daily Mail has published photos of Simone doing some topless waiting. And in a first for the Daily Mail, it might have even been their own story.
It seems Leah might be an exotic dancer. Not that there's anything wrong with that, no it's just the dishonesty. That’s right.
There's a group date with some kids who need to make volcanoes and please spare us the eruptionjaculation jokes. The ladies have to show how kids love them even though they’re strangers.
Jen, who was so nasty last week, tries to be nice. “I know I'm safe. Kids love me. There's no child I've met yet who’s run away screaming,” she says. As for the adults, that might be a different matter.
READ MORE:Ep 5 recapped as Jen breaks bad
Leah has some experience with bucks parties so five-year-olds should be sweet.
Laura gets rejected by a kid and Jen doesn't miss he chance to lay the boot in. “She's ... not maternal may all... No kids like Laura”. Jen then accuses Laura of kidnapping a child. She so nice.
Kate grabs Leah. They settle among the toys and go deep. “Lingerie waitressing ... boat parties ... with girls ... but you're not one of the girls. Not anymore”. Just the planner.
Leah promises that if she’s going down she’s going out with a bang. But that’s a lie too as we will see later as she simpers off then bitches to the Uber driver who’s taking her somewhere.
So who did best? Who cares. Matty chooses Laura as the winner even though she did diddly-squat with the kids. So he takes her for a Nepean River cruise and tries to trap her into saying “I hate kids,” which would result in him throwing her overboard.
It gets cold and they call Matty The Moves. He draws Laura to his warm manly torso. The boat parks in front of a waterfall. They fight the urge to urinate and Matty goes in for the pash. This time they do it properly. It’s ON.
Back at the drama cabana, Leah claims she has enough dirt on everyone to destroy them.
Someone asks if her job was “with clothes on”. “I've done both” says Leah.
Aggro breaks out and lots of people accuse other people of “throwing them under the bus”. The phrase is used so many times it's as if they've forgotten this is Western Sydney where there's no public transport. Glock metaphors would be better.
Cut to an ad break and people like us who watch the Bachelor are told we believe: some weather would make Neighbours exciting, all the latest new looks are at Rivers, Dominos is all about quality fresh ingredients, and a little more paracetamol makes it a special “osteo” drug. After about 20 more ads Matty sits down with Kate who tells her bro that Jen and Leah are the mean girls.
Matty suspects Leah has been “curating everything she said to me to paint the perfect picture”. Yes he actually said curating. That's why he’s in marketing because he has lots of different terms for BS.
“Out of respect to Leah I don't want to be the one to tell you,” says Kate who has never known Leah. In other words how can we string this out longer? “You may be the last person to know”, says Kate who has the power to change that.
She says Simone is in the same boat as Leah. Not literally, although that is a good idea for a harbour cruise once they’re off the telly and looking to cash in. We’re all shocked that people on a TV sex game show might be in the “glamour” trade.
Poor Leah can’t afford a proper dress and has to hold her together with safety pins. Something like Liz Hurley wore to the premiere of Four Weddings and a Funeral in 1994. Yep that’s the Gong.
Leah comes clean. “I did a bit of toppess waitessing”. Gee those nerves they wreck your cossonanss.
Leah knows she's finished. Wollongong will be down to three.
“I feel like you're making a mountain out of a mo-hill here,” says Leah who's loss her cossonanss again. Maybe it’s her tell.
Matty has had enough. “There is one common denominator in all this drama in the mansion and that’s yourself.” Yourself is a bigger word than you.
He shows Leah the door.
Shock waves rumble though the house. Matty is culling the drama. Telling complete porkies suddenly isn’t OK. We in the Gong know what that means: Jen, you’d better watch out.