Welcome back dear readers to The Bachelor, a reality dating show which follows The Project, a show where they read the news in the same tone as they read ads for reality TV.
And what a Bachelor this is, as Wollongong loses another contestant – that’s two in two nights – in circumstances which make us suspect this story, and its himbo star, may be less than genuine.
Amid the carnage we learn the real mission: Matty got dumped by a woman on television, so he's going to take it out on womankind by dumping 21 women in a row. Just give me a reason, he says.
This could be The Bachelor’s dodgiest hour: nice girls finish last, cheats prosper, jokes about throwing women off cliffs are OK, and the people that make these jokes are rewarded.
ABOUT LAST NIGHT: Wednesday night’s recap, Leah turfed for sexy past
We start with Matty musing about the previous night’s eviction.
“That kind of uncertainty is unnerving for me,” he says about someone who doubted him.
We see Leah (dec.) saying she wanted to “cut through the fake bulls***” but once that happened the cupboard was bare. Wollongong was down to three.
Snap! Back to reality, here comes gravity. The ladies are gathered around pretending it’s the morning. Everyone gets cranky because Elora gets another date. I can't remember the first but I do remember Eloura is the name of the high dependency psych ward at Shellharbour Hospital. Bad memories perhaps.
Jen, from Albion Park, calls Elora the “scum of the earth” and we assume she’s talking about the person not the place. “I could rip the girl's hair out,” she continues in the kind of carry-on that Matty claimed Leah was evicted for. But Jen’s still around despite not a hint of chemistry between her and the bloke. And she’s getting worse.
The scene is punctuated by a weird over-loud slurp from Jen’s “tea” cup and we start to think she’s being picked on by the producers. That’s the sound of a Faustian pact.
So it’s off to the Blue Mountains with Elora, well Glenbrook at least, also known as Penrith Heights. The work experience kid is still working the audio, and a strange horse's neigh features in the voiceover as we met Elora from behind. She's standing at a lookout.
Back at the mansion, Jen says: “Honestly if he pushed her off a cliff tonight I wouldn't be sad”. The courts are familiar with relationships that end this way but despite Jen’s calls for murder, Matty wants to see a bit more of Elora.
In a just world that wish for violence would be the end of Jen’s time in the show. But in case you don't spot it yet, this ain’t a just world. On this show it’s fine for Matty to tolerate murder fantasies, but he won’t tolerate a “secret past” as an exotic dancer, and he won’t tolerate someone who doubts.
But hang on, is Jen getting her wish? Has Matty taken Elora to the river to hold her under? Luckily she overpowers him quickly and they get it on.
Their date is going so well they start discussing sleeping arrangements, complaining about having to go back to the others.
“You build the momentum then ...” whines Matty, like Elvis in one of those songs where he complains about women leading him on then saying “stop”. Like Don’t Say Don’t. Or Little Sister. Or A Little Less Conversation. Or It’s Now or Never.
But guess what he’s got a cottage for each of them. He leads her there and they have a big old doorway pash, the kind that means “are we going in?”. Elora invites him in. Can you actually do that on The Bachelor? The soundtrack soars, a bot-made mix of Samuel Barber and The Man from Snowy River.
Clunk. Ad break. Sam Pang, roller doors, a Nonna, it’s got to be Beacon, cheap sausages, chicken tenderloins $6.98 a kilo, Mitchell's Market, the freshness you deserve. Warilla Grove, Warilla.
We realise Matty led her to the threshold then got off at Redfern.
Off to a group date where the ladies have to run and answer compatibility questions.
They wonder if Matty and Elora made the beast with two backs. Lisa is “100 per cent sure they wouldn't have slept in the same room together” which devalues the love lives of people who prefer the outdoors.
“I’m certainly not above giving a little ankle tap to watch Elora fall down,” says I’ll give you one guess.
Florence openly cheats at the race and is sure no-one sees. Good thing there aren't any cameras around.
Having not got away with it the first time, Florence tries it again.
“We’re so compatible it's not even funny!” hoots Florence and Matty, who is easily fooled, gives her the prize of his precious time.
We've been out in the bush and we feel a bit cleansed now. Trees do that. But it won't last long because back on the pashing chair things are about to get dirty.
Florence confesses to her cheating.
“I like how honest you are,” says Matty, proving his intelligence. They share a stuttering kiss, she gets a rose.
Then we’re back at Meercat Manor, where if you don’t sit up, smile and beg, you’re out. Michelle says she hasn’t spoken to Matty in a month. But she dutifully gets glammed up for each episode and doesn’t complain so she’s still around.
Trouble is brewing with someone called Sharlene. She’s a wedding planner and you know the cliche. Sharlene calculates she has spent 27.5 minutes with Matty in a month. She wants to “get the white picket fence and settle down” but instead of heading to the Bellambi Hotel like anyone else she's gone on television to find her fence. That’s a word for someone you’re engaged to. It’s French.
Sharlene is about to rush Matty. She asks Michelle the cop “can you check my boobs please?” and she doesn’t mean search me for a Berkeley foil.
She’s really desperate. “I know if I spent some time with Matty then he would realise how much I have to offer and what an amazing person I am,” she tells us. Mmm-huh.
Sharlene takes her complaining to Matty which as we know is seppuku but slower.
“I am actually one of the bachelorettes – I am not the external caterer,” she tells him.
“It's really difficult to watch,” says Jen. “It hurts my soul.”
“Come on you don't have one,” says Michelle and we love her.
Sharlene complains about “you and I” but there is no “you and I” so she’s booted on the spot. Gonski! Girl, you don't gonna turn the power round on the Man.
Sharlene looks surprised but we now know half of this cast are there just to give Matty people to dump as he wreaks his scorched-earth revenge on womankind to get back at Georgia Love.
Just give him a reason.
“Great now I need another roommate,” says sympathetic Jen, who will find a long list of friends keen to move in, no doubt. Just don’t sleep with your back turned.
Within seconds Sharlene goes through several stages of grief. She pretends it was her decision to leave which is believed by no-one. She rationalises it. “He's not into pugs” and she has a pug. He doesn’t train martial arts and she does. He doesn't like musical theatre and who does. Well, Sharlene does. So it never would have worked.
Look out. Matty has a taste for blood and he wants to dispatch two more. Our Alix from Austinmer has applied some lipstick and looks glamorous but it's too late for her, for no reason we or her are given.
We guess she just wasn’t willing enough on their single date the night before. Alix, who looks genuinely bummed, is left guessing as well. Sleepy Austinmer erupts in a riot.
Then Jen scores a rose. She is super surprised and so is Australia. Matty’s true colours are out. Alix has been nothing but nice while Jen has done her best to destroy people. So he keeps Jen. Don’t you dare suggest he’s told what to do by producers.
Stay tuned and the next show is Common Sense, where everyone has a good laugh at a couple who were shot by Victoria Police at a swingers party. And Taylor Swift is suing a DJ called David Mueller for grabbing her bum.
Go Tay-tay. After tonight’s spectacle, any victory for women is one we’ll take.
- The Bachelor Australia screens 7.30pm Wednesday and Thursday on WIN