This is the Bachelor, a show which has been taken over by a no-holds-barred marketing climber from Albion Park. As it really happened.
The episode starts with a shock as we arrive at the mansion to find it's a girls night. Of course it is; find me a man who could survive ten minutes in the middle of this palava.
Except Osher, who’s wearing kevlar, but he’s is in and out in ten seconds knowing what would happen if he lingered.
Emboldened by some hot loving last week, Elora is wearing a shirt that's 100 per cent moustache. She’s from Tahiti so she can do what she wants.
Lisa is sporting her Penn State shirt, repping a dubious school whose storied football program was disgraced for sweeping a coach’s serial sexual abuse of kids under the carpet. This year at the same university ten frat boys were charged over the death of a student during “hazing”. Ah well, at least “Penn State” sounds kinda cool let’s keep it light.
Hang on, Our Jen has something to say.
“Obviously I'm a great cook but right now time is so critical and I really need that time,” she says, as if we know what she’s talking about.
Jen’s from Albion Park you know, a little suburb nestled somewhere between Strawberry Hills and East Sydney.
“Obviously” she says, in that way football players do before they say anything that’s not actually obvious. It’s the new word for “umm” but Jen actually seems to think her cooking skills are obvious. Cooking up a slap fight maybe.
Back to her later, promise.
Quick! The Tahitian goddess in the moustache suit is calling out names. Our Jen is in for a group date. This is a mixed blessing given how dates work in this show – they start nice but turn into a chance to dump someone. Which would be sad for Jen but a saviour for everyone else as the former Oak Flats High product is in danger of swallowing this entire show alive. She’s either going to replace Matty or scare him when he realises she is now bigger and more powerful than him bwahahahaha.
Last week’s recap: Matty wreaks his revenge on womankind
Michelle the cop is concerned. Remember last week she said she hadn’t spoken to Matty in a month. These contestants could get even less time with their protagonist than the singers in the Voice get with their coach.
“I'm starting to think he has no idea how to spell Michelle” says Michelle and to be honest how can you blame the guy when there are people called Michele, Meshel, Mshell, Mychelle, Myshel, Meshell and Mashelle walking among us. Yep we just make it up.
It’s time for a date and Awmagawd Matty claims he has put it together himself.
In Japan you bow lowest to signify greatest respect. In a western Sydney mansion it’s all about being the Awmygawdiest. Our Jen bows as well.
It’s not much of a date. Contestants’ parents arrive and they bitch about not getting enough single dates.
Matty has to guess whose parent matches with which girl and if he wrongly accused someone of raising Jen that would be something.
Matty is not trying too hard. This is his B-list. He goes through the motions, pretty wooden, says the basics. That’s good enough for most people.
“I have a really good scent that Dad knows me” says Elise and while we know she meant “sense” we hope she can smell good.
“I just want for know if there's parts of me he wants to know more” says Elise who's not joking.
Matty is preparing one of his intensely delivered statements that mean nothing. “I'm just going to pop into the kitchen. I'll be back shortly” he says with all the gravitas of a eulogy for a stranger.
Jen’s mum is here and wonders why her precious hasn’t had a single date yet. The mum seems nice so we can’t bring ourselves to tell her “behind you! behind you!”. And also she’s on television so she wouldn’t hear us. And it was filmed a months ago. In western Sydney.
Jen suspects she’s being “friend-zoned” and that’s one way to put it I guess.
Here comes a cooking comp and Elise’s dad has picked tuna. Get it? Tune her. He wants Matty to tune her. Tune Elise. But Matty doesn’t get it. Why tune her? he asks. Really.
Matty confesses he struggles taking to dads. “I find it so much easier talking to mums” and we're not surprised a guy who gets by on his looks would say that.
“Elise is someone I want to spend a lot more time with” lies Matty “and that's really why she's here today”.
He tries to prove Elise has caught his attention but he's playing the wrong game. Like when the thug at the pub says “you lookin’ at my woman?” and you say no no no. He says “why not – you think she's ugly?” and decks you anyway. Matty’s walking right into a knuckle sandwich.
“Do you want to get to know her more?” asks Dad and Matty jumps so fast and his eyes are darting around – “yeah I really do one hundred percent”. Remember he works in marketing.
Back in the kitchen Elise’s dad Phil says “he seems like a really nice guy” which is a lie but blokes are two-faced plenty.
Now it’s time to eat and Jen says the tuna was “like chicken” and it was “horrible” because she’s seen My Kitchen Rules and knows villains are meant to invent preposterously bad reviews. Her plan to angle over on to that show may be foiled by the fact it’s on another network but hey who knows where Channel Ten (in administration) will be next year?
Back in the kitchen Simone and her sister-mother open a bag of frozen Thai prawns and everyone pretends to laugh.
Yep it’s dragging on alright. In footy they say the third is the “championship quarter” and that could be because it’s tough to stay focused. And our patience is being tested as Matty pretends he has chemistry with this one and that, before pushing them off a pier so he can run off with the top two who he has chosen already.
“Obviously I’m a great cook,” says Jen. “I’m willing to play dirty for this if I have to … So game on molls … I'm a little dessert myself”.
We have no idea what she’s talking about but it’s some kinda revvy stuff to amp up the drama. Someone has to.
READ MORE: Jen’s not shy of her on-screen persona
Matty picks Elise for a date. He tries to explain why he hasn't noticed her yet. “There's 20-plus girls in the mansion” he says because naming the actual number would be too honest.
He tells Elise they have a connection that's building and everyone north of Bulli Pass starts tossing their shoes at the telly because why did you ditch Alix when you and her actually got along?
Off to an ad break where some people with spray tans want to “share in your orthodontic journey”. Wow. A journey to our surgery, via the bank. Peter Helliar has his own show where people say his name a lot.
Matty arrives on a camel. We’ve had the stallion, now the camel, next week he’ll ride a banana slug.
Tara wins a date which is a camel ride. “She's already had one,” protests Jen, to whom it has not occurred to actually get along with Matty.
Up on the camel’s back Tara makes some joke about a “Camilla” and that's really not kind to the Duchess of Cornwall.
Michelle the Cop and Jen the Cage Fighter have decided Matty is “intimated by such a strong woman”. That’s why they didn’t get picked you see. Either that or he’s seen the rushes.
Jen’s questions come across like an interview and we wonder if she has a bright future at a local affiliated radio station once she’s had enough of “Surry Hills”.
Matty is still pretending he’s into Tara. He gives her the old “make me laugh but I don't want just a joker I want someone serious” routine which is his specialty.
“You’re so beautiful inside and out,” he says for the second time. “She has an amazing personality!” he continues and when you need to list someone's qualities one after another you know you’re struggling.
Back to the permanent cocktail party. What do you think Tara did today? “Camel ride and a Moroccan Middle Eastern picnic”, says someone who has just solved all the Middle Eastern conflicts by plonking a North African country on top of them.
Then Our Jen is forced to take some time out from her mansion pecking order games and spend some time alone with Matty. Life can be so cruel.
She has arranged some desserts. “I hope you appreciate it because I was in the kitchen all day baking. For you.” That’s what she said. The way to a man's heart is not through his sweet tooth – it’s through forced gratitude and acting like you’ve been married 30 years. Matty puts on his Thinking Face, on which he has been working behind closed doors.
“That's incredible,” says Matty. “Probably not as incredible as I am” replies Jen, I kid you not. Jen is certain if she scrapes the bottom of the barrel some more she might find the engagement ring he hid there, because deep down he really loves her. Create the possibility.
“I was bound to impress you eventually. Eventually.” Look out, she’s complaining. You know what happens to people who complain on this show. Matty puts on his Breakup Face. Jen's babbling. All I want is a single date she says. Will it ever happen?
Crunch. Ad break. Rose ceremony. Who loses?
Not Jen. She’s called up and grabs the rose right out of his hand.
What kind of guy is Bachelor? After the last date when he almost went to bed with her, Matty makes Elora wait until the final rose. That’s dirty.
Michelle, who hasn’t spoken to him in a month, is sent back to the police force where she should get the chance to talk to some more dodgy characters.
Sniff, that’s the end of a beautiful long distance relationship between Matty and Michelle; one without the usual email, phone or letters, postcards, Instagram, passenger pigeon, poste restante, message in a bottle, Facebook, coded public notices, or memories.
Stay tuned for tomorrow night. Just a wild guess but I’m picking Jen will get in the middle of all the drama. Will that cost her? Does she get kept around for reasons other than chemistry and true love? Naaaaah!