Being told their unborn child’s condition was “incompatible with life” was “soul crushing” for Jacqui Sainsbury and Toby Topham.
Subscribe now for unlimited access.
$0/
(min cost $0)
or signup to continue reading
Their son Oliver was stillborn on July 8, and the couple’s biggest regret is that they didn’t hold him or spend time with him – or even take a photograph.
So, on Oliver’s due date on November 17, the couple is going to walk from Wollongong Hospital – where Ms Sainsbury was born – to Sutherland Hospital – where Toby and Oliver were born – to raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss.
They’re also raising funds for cuddle cots, refrigerated bassinets that keep stillborn babies cool so their parents can spend precious time with them.
There are six stillborn babies a day in Australia, a rate that hasn’t reduced in two decades.
“It’s something you don’t want to think about – until you’re forced to when it happens to you,” Ms Sainsbury said.
“At one time stillborn babies were immediately taken away by the medical staff, with the thinking that any bonding with their parents did more harm than good.
“But research has shown that the more time you spend with your child, and bond with them, the better it helps with the grieving process.
“We now know bereaved parents like us use cuddle cots for up to a week to hold their child, dress them, wash them and create that bond and those memories.
“But we didn’t know that, so we didn’t take the cuddle cot that was offered, we didn’t even hold him or get a photograph. I think we were in too much shock.
“That’s our biggest regret – and we want to raise awareness so other parents are more informed.”
In 40 per cent of cases, the cause of death is unknown for stillborn babies – and that’s the hardest thing for the young couple.
“Everything was fine at his 12-week scan so we thought we were safe,” Ms Sainsbury said. “But at the 19-week scan he wasn’t growing properly and his heart wasn’t strong enough so I had to be induced at 21 weeks.
“The hospital requested an autopsy and we’re awaiting the results – they’re not sure what happened, or whether it’s genetic, which is hard.”
When the couple left hospital, a ‘memory box’ from Bears of Hope which contained a bear, information on pregnancy loss and numbers for support services was a big help.
They are now supporting the charity through funds raised for cuddle cots, which Bears of Hope gifts to hospitals in need.
“We’ve already raised enough for one cot and are hoping to get enough funds for two,” Ms Sainsbury said.
“Our cot will feature a plaque displaying ‘lovingly donated in memory of Oliver Topham’ which is very special to us.”
On Saturday, the pair will embark on the 65km walk over two days – staying overnight in the Royal National Park. “Leading up to Oliver’s due date has been hard, but it’s made easier knowing we are fundraising to help other parents,” Ms Sainsbury said.
