And now for something of utmost gravity: we need to talk about Wordle.
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For the uninitiated, Wordle is an online game where you have to solve a mystery five-letter word in six tries or fewer. Fewer, that's a five-letter word, better remember that one.
It's gone viral, with the number of players estimated at well over a million, after Josh Wardle, a young programmer in Brooklyn, made it for his girlfriend as a gift then gave it free to the world.
It's become wildly popular because it's a lot of fun, because it feels great when you solve it, because it's a bit tricky, because you can brag your result on social media (coded) - and because only one new game is released each day.
There's even cheat pages popping up on the internet so people can pretend they have solved it - like completing the puzzle in a private window then repeating it as yourself, then posting the brilliant fake result. Who does that?
Put that phone down and stop playing silly games, I tell my teenage son, then I get back to my own phone for Wordle - definitely a more productive and worthwhile exercise. This one is about words, and logic, you see, it's high-minded, it's clever.
And clever it is - so much that the New York Times shelled out well over a million clams for Wordle, knowing how puzzles drive subscriptions and always have, and promising to keep it free - for now.
I don't care, I'll pay. I have become thoroughly hooked and one a day is never enough. Look, 20 wouldn't be enough. I'm also chasing a bigger buzz. If I solve it in three (pretty flash) I'll have a quick curse I didn't get it in two (spectacular).
I was crushed when my streak of solves came to an end at 18; I shared in Australia's rage (in sympathy, that is) when many were foiled by the American spelling of favor.
And I've even posted my wild successes on Twitter, such as nailing every one's favourite ideophone, moist, in two. Five-letter words pop out at me when I read or speak.
Luckily imitators have sprung up with unlimited versions. I've tried Weezle, with its too-small keyboard and blocky graphics, Wordle Unlimited, with its clunky play and ads, and Word Master, the one that gets me through the night. Trouble is, it seems the more I play the worse at wordplay I get, turning into something more like maths.
At least I'm keeping Alzheimer's at bay. But the fact this justification crossed my mind is concerning on multiple levels - not the least of which is why I am looking for justifications. I wonder, what does Wordle rehab look like?
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