He was at a funeral when his wife secretly slipped out the front door with a packed bag and fled to a safe place in northern Sydney.

She had been verbally abused, controlled and smothered by Jim almost every day for 10years and enough was enough.

When Jim returned home to an empty house he was shocked. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine  this wife would leave him too – she had been more placid than his other wives and was also his carer.

But she had made up her mind after a particularly violent episode  that involved Jim pulling the leads from the computer and ended in her barricading herself in a bedroom. She later told him she feared he would bash her.

‘‘I’ve loved all of my wives, but there was a part of me that also wanted to hurt them,’’ Jim said. ‘‘I don’t know why but I hurt my last wife the most.’’

The abuse was always verbal. Yelling, swearing and the constant put-downs. He was also controlling. He refused to allow his second wife to return to work and he argued with his third wife about belonging to a charity. He threw things and smashed things but rarely did the abuse turn physical.

‘‘I may have grabbed my wife a few times and I’ve hit my second wife,’’ he said. ‘‘But mostly I was verbally abusive and sometimes I think that can be worse. I would always say sorry afterwards of course. I think I’ve probably said sorry about a million times in my life.’’

After completing two Relationships Australia courses on Anger Management and Taking Responsibility Jim has finally owned up to his actions and has turned his life around. He also has tools he can use to self-calm in times when he feels agitated.

‘‘I used to play the blame game. It was always someone else’s fault. But then one day I woke up and no-one wanted to be around me. I was so cranky, so angry, so aggro with everyone, that not even my grandchildren wanted to spend time with me,’’ he said.

Now Jim, 59, has solid relationships with his three daughters and six grandchildren.

‘‘I’ve always been a verbally abusive person and it’s been very bad at times. I haven’t been the easiest person to live with. But I’m trying now to make amends and change my behaviour. It hasn’t been an easy road. But I’ve always loved my children and I love my family, it’s just that something was missing in me.

‘‘I regret a lot of things that I’ve done in my life and I can understand why all of my wives left me. I feel nothing but remorse about the way I treated everyone.’’

Jim and his wife, while still separated, are now talking through their issues and he is hopeful of a reconciliation. 

‘‘I regret how I made her suffer. I was very hard on her and very abusive. I’m so ashamed,’’ he said.

Jim has decided to take part in this year’s White Ribbon Day walk – to end violence against women – on Tuesday. ‘‘I decided to tell my story because I want other men to know that they can change if they get the right help.’’

* Jim’s name has been changed.