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Something's different. People are acting a bit … well ... normal.
“Is it just me or does this house feel nice and relaxing?” says Tara. “Waking up without Jen – it felt like Christmas!”
Yes it’s the day after Jen, a malevolent bundle of drama from Surry Hills, grabbed a dunny roll and kicked herself out of the Bachelor mansion, and out of the running – then tried to kick-start a celebrity career on the back of her immense popularity.
“I never felt like Matty was going to keep her,” says Elora, who might be onto something about how this show works. Remember Matty didn’t actually boot Jen, and pretended he could like her, right until the end.
Blistering barnacles, I’m still talking about Jen even after she's gone. She would be laughing as if that’s a win. It’s not. And with that itchy infection lanced the other girls are free to concentrate on their own insecurities full-time.
We're on edge. The fear has been instilled by weekday ads showing self-assured, confident Laura is getting anxious. Is the favourite in line for the axe? That would be too much. Leah, Alix, Jen – in three episodes Wollongong has lost three contestants. Is this the fourth? Like a Baird-Berejiklian government Budget planning session, where they glance at potential Wollongong investments then scratch them one by one?
READ MORE OF THE BEST RECAPS: When Jen broke bad
Laura, who’s from West Wollongong, scores a date. And instead of going out to the Vicar in Dural they drive somewhere else.
Matty shows his insight. “Being in the mansion with so many other ladies, it can feel like a competition.” He starts blaming Laura for stuff.
“I am really hoping that she can just surrender to this process and be open to falling in love, here.” Matty says. Fall in love with me now, he orders. You doubt, you out.
MORE OF THE BEST BACHY RECAPS: Alix stays classy as Matty wreaks his revenge on womankind
Laura says her star sign is Aries which means she always thinks she’s right. That trait will be smashed out of her soon. She’s already describing it as a fault. “We can work around it,” says Matty whose middle name is Gaslight.
They get to the destination and Laura has picked it correctly. It's a bloody psychic. Laura apologises for acting smart. I'm sorry too, I didn't think the psychic rubbish started before 11pm and on Channel 7.
If Laura is life, the psychic looks like death and says she will read their jewellery.
Laura falls for it and asks a question about compatibility. The answer is general as you would expect. Rrrraaaa psychic zombies BEGONE!
The undead creature suggests Laura is being a little cautious because she wants a “buildup of trust”. That's rare how did she pick that? Laura says “It's probably a little bit true in some ways” which is what a psychic wants you to say. Like plausible deniability but the opposite of that.
Matty pulls out his usual move: we get along so well and we laugh and have a great time but “when it comes to deeper feelings she seems a bit guarded.” The woman he wants will just Trust The Process.
“I know that Laura is struggling to be vulnerable,” says Matty. Then when she shows vulnerability and admits it’s hard, she’s accused of being closed off. Haha them’s the games we play in TV land.
Off to an ad break but first some promo: “Will Laura open her heart?” in case you didn't get the narrative here.
In the ads there's been a fire around Warrawong hospital and the Labor candidates would have put it out with these super sized letters they carry. At least that’s what I heard, it all moves so fast these days.
Laura realises things move fast and if she's snoozy, she'll lose to some floozy. Soon she will have to beg: “I genuinely care. I really really do. A lot.”
The most confident and assured person in the show has been reduced to grovelling her devotion. Mission accomplished.
They head to the observatory which is the other thing Laura guessed but instead of saying she's really clever the storyline is that she won't “open up”.
They get to name a star which would cost you $330. Laura thinks Lauratty is a hilariously stupid name but Matty actually likes that name. Wait until he reveals what he has in store for kids. They pretend they really like Mattaura as a name for the star then Laura cops some more stick for not being open enough or whatever it is.
“I’m becoming insecure a little bit. And I haven't been like that in a while. It’s a bit scary”. Think Matty likes negging? This whole show is one giant neg.
Matty starts quoting the psychic and really dude, piss up a rope.
Laura starts making sense again. “It's hard to be completely and utterly open and be completely excited about this when you're not mine.”
Again and again she says she really cares and Matty responds by giving her nothing. “I don't really want tonight to be over,” Laura says, and we think she means “I really want tonight to be over”.
She's been put through the ringer. Now she has to smooch him again before she gets some sleep. She scores a rose but we're left unsure about whether Laura can feel more safe now or less. Which is exactly where Matty wants ‘em.
Off to an ad for Offspring’s “season finale” and gawd I thought that whole show was ending. I guess this is Ten (in administration) so why stop when you can just use the same script each season, save on writers.
Let’s have a group date with games and jumping castles and the soundtrack is led by a tuba. That should tell you enough. Simone whinges about something because that’s the English way.
Turns out Simone was a redhead when she was young - but she denies it. “I’m not red down there,” she says and I assume she’s pointing to her toes. Is she a hairy toed hobbit?
They play a catch the donut game. Simone says she's gluten free egg free dairy free yeast free whatever. Silicon is ok because all those other things come from bad nature.
Simone moans that her donut is brown and wants to know why. We hope she hasn't seen the VIPoo ad with the Devil’s Donuts.
Then there's some sexually suggestive pass the balloon games like O-week in first year.
Then they place a heart on the bit of him they want the most. Caption: Elise claims she finds his intelligence attractive which everyone finds hilarious. Simone picks his pecker and everyone finds that hilarious. Etc etc etc can we kick someone out now?
More stuff from their youth. Laura is revealed as a water polo player and we know what that means – she plays dirty down below.
She-moan tries to have a talk with Matty but instead they talk about her as a kid and really, is this a double episode it's getting late.
Matty picks who had the greatest childhood and it's not She-moan. She-moan wishes she was picked. What’s new. Similar to “whats new” the ads for supermarket products. To whom, incidentally, I once sent an email asking why they don’t use an apostrophe. The response was they they thought it would look different and new. True story. I learned then to make deliberate spelling mistakes my branding stragety.
Matty picks Elise and makes it clear what she needs to say. Family is important let’s have one I’m your baby mamma. Elise goes in for the pash but it doesn't last long with her in charge.
On it goes. Matty and Elora go for a chat and he asks for her idea of the future. We can just skip around the world together, Elora suggests, but quickly changes that to we can settle down in Australia, sure. Smart.
Another ad break and Flight Centre is the “best in the air” but also “and everywhere” whatever that's meant to breathily suggest.
Hey it’s the Rose ceremony and it appears Lisa or Simone are being set up for the fall. I'm a trained observer. Brave faces now ladies. It comes down to Lisa and She-moan and poor Simone has to realise He's Just Not That Into You.
Who knows why, or WTF. Matty takes her outside and lets her down gently. Hope you find someone awesome out there. “Out” and “there” being the operative words and where you're headed.
There's a promo for tomorrow night and in a couple of cases of “about time”, it looks like Lisa punches Matty in the cojones, and Elora tries to sneak him off for a quickie up on the washing machine. But he's the one who washes the pants in this relationship so no thanks.
So now Matty’s on with all of them. He’s collecting hearts one by one and only when he has them all will he starts the real competition. High stakes roulette: table entry, one heart.
