"I thought I had it all under wraps," Tom Carroll says of his ice addiction.
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"I thought I could keep it under the radar. I was running around, jumping off the walls, trying to be everything to everyone and I didn't realise how manic I had become. I was caught up in a lot of denial and a lot of masks thrown in between the outside world and me."
The former world surfing champion got lost in a spiral of self-destruction in his early 40s, 10 years after he retired. From 2001 to 2006, he was caught in the grasp of ice until a stint in rehabilitation set him along the path to recovery.
He came clean about his ice habit in 2013, in his book TC, written with his journalist brother Nick, but continues to speak publicly about his tumultuous time, including in Ice Wars, a four-part ABC documentary.
Ice Wars looks at the frontline responders to the wrath of ice, and has unprecedented access to NSW police operations and mental health services. There's also stories such as Carroll's, which show that ice can hit anyone, anywhere from any part of society, not just the disadvantaged.
Carroll, now 55, says it's important for him to share his insight and message of recovery: "If I put it out there and maybe one person might get it, that's enough," he says.
In the early 2000s, Carroll was struggling with various issues in his life, including the challenges of a young family and ecstasy and amphetamine use. Ice, which he says was initially like a "really strong cup of coffee" that would last all day, suddenly offered him clarity and the ability to "back up" as a father, he says.
"I was actually trying to control my uses of other drugs, I was trying to stop the uses," he says. "I wanted to be more functional at home, I just wanted to be better. I was trying to crawl myself out of it.
"Someone offered it to me and it hit the mark. I really just only took a little bit at a time. It was meant to keep me in a good space, of where I needed to be in order to be functional."
Eventually the daily need for it increased, as did his body's resistance and need for increasing amounts. He says he became manic, physically weak and lost in the ravages of sleep deprivation. Having reached rock bottom, he entered a rehabilitation facility for six weeks and a 12-step recovery program.
"I didn't know there was so much support," he says. "Addiction becomes such a lonely thing, you become self-centred and super lonely and you think you've got to do it all on your own. You've got very low self-worth. You don't really feel like you're worth [recovery] anyway. It's the trickiest thing to move through, but we need all that support."
NSW Drug Squad Commander Detective Superintendent Tony Cooke, who also appears in Ice Wars, says Carroll is a "tremendous role model" as someone who pulled himself out of addiction.
"He was one of my idols and it brought him down [but] he was strong enough to get out. It can have devastating effects on individuals and those impacts spread to families, to communities. It's devastating to rural towns. This series lays that bare for all to see."
Ice Wars claims that Australia has the second highest rate of users in the world.
"We seem to have a culture where, if it's available, people will use it," Cooke says. "And that seems to be the way for us. That's unfortunately a little bit the Australian way, isn't it? We like to drink too much, or drive faster than anyone else. It appears that we have the same issue around drug use."
In the program, Carroll talks about the valuable time lost with his three children and now former wife, but tells Fairfax Media he accepts his past.
"It's just part of who I am. It made me who I am today. I'd be dishonest to say I don't have regrets, but that's not something I focus on. Today, I'm far better off than what I was and I'm so thankful that I've been able to get recovery."
He says at times recovery can still be challenging, but he prefers not to see it as a continuous fight.
"To shed a little light on that, it's actually not a battle. It's actually quite a wonderful road to walk and it's a lovely path. It doesn't need to be a battle at all because, in fact, if we fully surrender to a path of recovery, there's no real effort needed. You actually get a lot of energy, you get a very strong feeling inside and a lot of strength and able to grow from that point. And that's hopefully [the message] I can pass on."
Ice Wars airs on ABC on February 7 at 8.30pm.
