Welcome to the Bachelor – as it appears on Illawarra televisions – and in the finest tradition of global development and poverty eradication we have a good ol’ north v south contest on our hands.
Subscribe now for unlimited access.
or signup to continue reading
Our region is well represented in this series, with two and maybe three contestants we can claim as our own.
We have a slightly-rough-around-the-edges social climber from south of the lake (aren’t they all) going head-to-head with an arty athletic blow-in from the leafy northern suburbs (aren’t they all).
FYI: while these Illawarra geographical details are true and accurate, the same cannot be guaranteed for much else that I write in this series.
Let’s start with the South: Jen, who grew up in Albion Park or somewhere near there but now pretends she’s from Surry Hills.
From the start we could see poor Jen was being cast as a villain, which of course might not be fair. But renouncing her roots and claiming she’s from Sydney has cost her a fanbase in the Illawarra so we’re going with it. Let’s see how hip Evil Jen feels when Surry Hills becomes a spaghetti junction for another motorway, EastConnex perhaps.
Luckily the villian is kept around for many weeks so Matty J will have to grin and bear it. Come last night’s episode, we thought we had the baddie figured, but the producers did Jen no favours last night, dressing her up like a sad clown in a surf life saving hat with crimped hair for a photo shoot. And then along came Elora who, rose safely won, tried so hard to pick a fight with Jen we almost felt for her.
Elora even went so far as to call Jen “dark”, which given the ethnic diversity of this year’s crop, is a low blow. Jen wasn’t taking it, and even though she was busy drinking from an empty wine glass she struck back.
“I never described you as dark, and that’s really hurtful,” she told Elora. “I am so far from a dark person.”
“That’s really nasty,” someone else, perhaps called Becky, agreed.
Simone, who looks like Barbie but speaks with an affect of Brixton Jamaican, rode shotgun for Elora, laying into Jen to da maximum. Battle lines are drawn.
What a fun party. Women sit around on couches and tried to out-bitch each other, while a single bloke strides about selecting one or another for some special time – perhaps waiting to see who’s the last one standing.
Our goodie is clearly Alix, or in Illawarra terms the North. Alix grew up somewhere that’s not the Illawarra but now proudly identifies as an Austinmerian. Or an Austinmare, as someone nearby suggested. Firmly in the Illawarra.
Alix is an accomplished star in netball, having captained the NSW under-21s and played for Canberra in the national league, but come Bachelor time she described her occupation as “body painter”. Perhaps it’s in case Matty J has issues with high performers. Or because it’s true.
When Alix met Matty he didn’t seem sure where to look. Perhaps her red “dress” was actually painted on, and Matty was trying to find a moment to steal a glimpse.
Sadly Alix didn’t play much of a role in last night’s cocktail brouhaha. Busy getting to know someone perhaps.
It doesn’t seem hard being the Bachelor – while the women have to try so hard he just turns up and is instantly desirable. Last night he arrived with a basket of muffins and the mansion melted down.
”A man bringing muffins! Marry me!” hooted Tara, before they all agreed they wouldn’t eat a muffin given there was a cocktail party dress to dress to squeeze into. Matty is clearly a sadist who enjoyed torturing them with a basket of carbs but somehow he emerged as a hero.
Aside from the party fight the main event last night was Matty’s date with Lisa, a tennis game at the end of which each had their faces creamed. With strawberries. Matty tried the old trick: “I kinda wanted to get closer to Lisa so I asked her to have a look at my serve”. Then it was off to the pool for an ab-off.
It’s clear that Lisa is winning this show, you can take it from me. The rest of the series is just filling in time. But that’s life, really (spoiler: we die at the end of it), so on we go.
Matty went in deep. “What was your thought process, coming here?” he asked Lisa, which translates as “why on earth would you do this?”
“I think it took a lot of balls,” said Lisa, perhaps spoiling a surprise to come later.
Lisa decided Matty was “beautiful and so sweet and everything I look for in a partner”. Sold, after the first date. Yep, all he has to do is show up.
If you’ve joined the show late, Monica is no longer with us. Monica was a medical receptionist who previously worked in a slaughterhouse. Perhaps she was keen to use that experience to her advantage in a similar meat market, where a large and slow-moving herd will be kept in a small pen until one by one they are walked up a ramp and shot in the head. Or given a rose to live happily ever after.
Asked to describe her ideal man, Monica might have said, “anyone who doesn’t come at me with crazy eyes and a chainsaw covered in blood. That would be a nice change”.
But there’s no happily ever after at the Bachelor butchery as Monica found out on Wednesday night. She was sent back to the slaughterhouse and after 21 days air-drying will make a fine t-bone.
Someone else was dumped as well but they didn’t make much of an impression.
Fast forward again to Thursday night (because on Wednesday I didn’t know how much I wanted to write this) and a bunch of roses were given to various people we hadn’t noticed were on the show.
Someone was dumped, a lawyer, which sounds a bit serious, perhaps too intimidating in a room full of “brand managers”.
Stay tuned next week when we reveal the “maybe a third” Illawarra contestant – who’s well in the running for a happy ending.
- The Bachelor screens at 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays on WIN.
