Bachelor recap: Ding dong, Our Jen is gone

Yes, Wollongong has lost another contestant, and we’re devastated. Jen had won herself a strong and loyal following around from Albion Park to Oak Flats with her endearing habits of picking fights, telling lies, pretending she’s from Surry Hills, and speaking like she stole a script from the Sopranos.

Jen works in marketing and knows to never waste a good crisis. So she tries to give herself a new brand. She tries “I’m the game-changer” and “I’m the girl who walked away from Matty J” but no-one’s buying it. As we’ll see, she started a fire and wouldn’t hang around because she knew it was coming back on her. 

A producer even tried to intervene trying to goad Jen into one last flight but it wasn’t working. More on that later.

The episode starts with a single date for someone and that will make some others whinge. Yep, Matty is off on a date with Elise. “Is that Sydney? Looks fake” says the seven-year-old next to me on the couch and was he talking about the show, or was it an existential comment on Sydney? Who knows.

Elise played hockey for Australia so Matty has some hockey sticks and he's playing goalie. Matty pulls the old move known as “while wearing a hockey mask, grab her from behind” which is a favourite of his and renowned for making women feel comfortable.

Elise dodges the chance to kiss him and blames herself for it. That’s right girl everything is your fault Matty is perfect hate yourself some more.

Now they're off on a harbour cruise as the sun sets and that adds up to a really really long day. Try and imagine someone you want to spend that long with. And the smell from the ship’s head with this many crew on board. But Elise is high as a kite because he gave her some flowers.

“There's something I would like to show you at the front of the boat” says the bachelor. It's the spa, and filming it was part of the deal to get the cruise boat for free. By “spa” we mean “Love Tub”.

Matty starts talking about how they can have a real future together and between all the girls he’s said that to, one’s gotta stick.

Turns out this boat trip has one more stop and that's smoochville. Which apparently is in Darling Harbour, where the boat is moored while they have their spa. zzzzzz

To brighten things up it’s some “good old-fashioned Aussie sports” and the losing team goes home. It’s Survivor! No it's beach cricket. Jen starts warning people as she is wont to do.

“I do have a little bit of mongrel in me,” she offers, which is almost what everyone else thinks. She goes on: “If we need it I will play dirty” – just in case we didn't get it any of the other times she said that on every episode about every task.

There’s a game of thong tossing. The rules couldn't be simpler says Matty. Act either expert or hopeless, then toss a thong, then go and record a piece to camera whinging or bitching. Lisa beats Jen.

Same happens with volleyball. Jen resolves to slit Lisa's throat and drink her blood.

Later, Lisa thinks she's in safe company and admits she's having difficulty developing feelings for Matty when she only sees him for an hour or two a month. How weird.

She concludes “I can only do the best I can and be myself at the end of the day” which I guess is as good a time as any to be yourself. Trouble is Jen is listening in, which we find out later.

Matty takes Tara for a chat and they rub each other up a bit and than after an ad break the real action starts.

It starts with a thumping heartbeat and them’s the sound of war drums bangin’. Jen has only Simone left to hang out with, and Lisa is in her sights. It’s like shooting Bambi.

Lisa is not “here for the right reasons”, claims Jen. Because Lisa hasn’t told everyone publicly while Jen is in the room how much she loves Matty, and how she’s “here for the right reasons”. Jen goes into the kitchen to find a pot and a kettle to call black.

“How is she still in?” asks my nine-year old and I don’t know what to say.

Jen, who has been drinking a strange colour wine that ‘s probably Bundy, grabs Matty and starts calling him babe and Matty reckons he's getting a weird vibe from her. Sharp. It’s only taken him a couple of months.

Jen claims she’s struggling. That means she's about to denounce someone else but wants him to ask her “what is it my dear” so she can launder her intentions.

She confesses she’s afraid because she needs to drink the blood of a beautiful blonde woman every week and the show is running out of blondes pretty quick.

In fact what she really said is barely more plausible. “I think you need to be really mindful of Lisa,” she tells Matty, which is not what “mindful” means but if you’ve only seen the word on a pamphlet at the chiropractor you might suspect it means “thinky”.

Jen says Lisa sees him like a brother because there’s been no romance lately. Matty is so smart he falls for it. He grabs Lisa and demands some answers.

“What unreliable source have you heard these things from,” asks Laura, who's listening in.

There's movement at the station. The ladies are stirring in revolt and Elise takes Jen to task about how she’s just “thrown Lisa under the bus”. “I didn't mention the brother thing” Jen lies, a minute after we heard her say it, knowing the cameras see it all, but trying anyway.

So Jen starts cry-talking and doing some elaborate dabbing at her cheeks. A lot of these girls are just fake she claims at some stage. Jen is different. “I need to be honest” blah blah blah and the other women don't believe the tears. Jen walks off.

Oops out pops a producer to give Jen a pat because after ditching Leah, Jen fills the vital villain role. They retreat to the toilet and the kindly producer leaves the microphone on, thanks pal.

Jen claims she’s a “game changer” but when she comes out of the toilet she's just a troll clutching a dunny roll. 

She makes lots of threats to leave without saying goodbye. The producer tries to bait her into one more conflict. “Do you think you'll regret not, like, telling everyone what you think and then leaving?” she goads.

“I did the right thing … I didn't do anything to deserve this ... I might as well go hoyme,” says Jen and she really does pack her carry-on bag with her best knives and rolls it out of there. The music is broad and plain, like it was lifted from a cheap war movie, or the HSC composition exams. Into the darkness we see Jen making a very lonely exit with a very little roller case.

It’s a sad moment because we realise she's not going to get a taste of the poison she has been spreading. No limo, no farewell and good luck finding an Uber out here in Dural. Bikies, perhaps. She’s off to find an ocean full of ways to convince herself didn’t make lots of mistakes. Like I didn’t really like him that much anyway. Like I was just being myself and it’s honest and that’s who I am. Cry me a river.

“I’m the girl who walked away from Matty J,” Jen suggests. Sure thing. While she may be called some things in the near future that's unlikely to be one of them.

But something’s missing. There’s no closure. Habeas corpus. We've seen enough horror movies to know she might reappear – wearing the hockey mask, clutching an empty glass, emerging from the spa while Lisa and Matty make out, oblivious to the threat, not realising they’re about to become Jen’s Revenge.