Farmer wants a Girl from the Gong, but does he know it yet?

Welcome to the lucky 13^th series of Farmer Wants a Wife, where three Wollongong women are trying their luck to win the hand of an Aussie farmer.

And we'll be hoping they end up with more than just the hand, because anyone from the country knows a farmer's hands aren't usually the best looking thing about them. Unless five (five if you're lucky) kipfler potatoes welded to a piece of plasticiene has a special appeal for you.

Spoiler alert: by the time you finish reading this the Gong Girls will be down to two.

Spoiler 2: this story is not happening in real time.

In the early rounds the deal is this: there's five farmers, and after a session of speed dating each farmer will pick five ladies to take back to their farm.

The one he likes most will get to go a day early so they can get to know each other, and so the other ladies have someone to direct their jealousy at from the start.

In the end the farmer only ends up with one of the girls, mind you - this isn't Farmer Wants a Wife to Move to Utah With. And we've already been told in promos that the farmers each find love this season. It's reassuring for the viewers to know some bastard called Honey Badger isn't going to lead us all along then get off at Redfern.

Let's just hope the happy couples haven't been conned to double up and risk it all on a new series called Yummy Mummies who Wanted a Farmer Who Wanted a Wife on Farmer Swap Island at First Sight Australia.

We can be confident several of these people end up happy, with FWAW claiming nine marriages (five of them still living together) and 25 babies out of 13 seasons of this show. Not bad.

But how is a farmer to choose? Luckily working out which one's going to be the best breeder for the home stud is a skill he already has. After some emotive intros with string music and long stares, the farmers do some speed dating.

Wollongong public servant Cassandra has been lined up with apple farmer David, who's articulate, open and musical. Her hot pink dress pops among the hedges and barrels.

Cassandra knows what she wants, she says, having learned the hard way. She waves her hand in front of her face while talking. Is she showing David where the wedding ring should go? Proving she's single? Or is she doing wrestler John Cena's "You Can't See Me" move? That's gotten some people into trouble recently.

Sadly it seems like the latter. David didn't seem to see Cassandra despite the dress.

If Cassandra's any indicator this show has heaps better standards for contestants than the other dating/bitching/humiliation shows. These people seem really genuine, and actually quite nice to each other - so far. It's almost as if the show is really about what it says.

Speed dating. I wonder how many farming blokes would be happy being judged on how they communicate with someone in the first few minutes they met. But this is television, and 2023, and farmers are always modern guys.

Me, maybe I'm old fashioned. I don't know what was wrong with the tried and true tradition of marrying whoever you woke up in the ute tray with in the blazing sun the morning after the B&S ball.

Pop some Vitamin P to remove the axe from your head, dust yourselves off, fish a breakfast Goldie from the bottom of the esky and you're already dressed to walk down the aisle. But hey this wasn't meant to be poetry.

Farmer Andrew's wearing those cream pants that politicians put on when they go somewhere outside the city. He's had a look through the profiles, seeing which ones could handle farm work and produce more farm workers.

Andrew knows how to wrap his mouth around a schooner. He has to because his eyes don't open unless he's in the halflight, or he's just made a double entendre. Sadly his ears don't work that well either. He doesn't seem to hear what the speed date-ees are saying, but the poor bloke has had to do a whole lot of conversation all in a row.

He lines them up, picks five he likes and the rest are off to hitch their way home.

Then it's David's turn. As nice as this show may appear it still comes down to a bloke lining some women up and dispatching some of them.

Who's he going to take back to eat some apples in his orchard? Not our Cassandra, who is classy in defeat, so who cares.

Wollongong's hopes for a farmer's wife now rest on Olivia and Christina, who are with farmers Matt and Brad, I think.

Or they can head down to the North Gong where the nice uni students from Griffith and Orange are plentiful.

Tomorrow: We go back to the first episode and meet the Gong Girls who are about to rule the rural roost.