Two time Wollongong domestic violence victim speaks out about 'gaslighting'

Because it gives her a chance to tell her own story.

She didn't want or decide to be emotionally and sexually abused in two relationships.

She had that done to her. Through no fault of her own.

And now, ahead of the Illawarra White Ribbon Day Walk on Friday, the Wollongong resident is speaking out her experiences in an attempt to broaden people's understanding of consent.

Read more: Illawarra mother's anguish over disabled daughter's sexual assault while under care of NDIS provider

Before she even really knew what domestic violence or consent was, Alison was in an abusive and controlling high school relationship during which she was raped.

"I knew that I was unhappy in the relationship but I was made to believe the reasons I was unhappy were my own fault," the now 26-year-old said.

"My partner was controlling and anytime I would raise that I was unhappy was often put down to things that I was or was not doing.

"I wasn't aware it was emotional abuse."

Alison was diagnosed with depression after she left the relationship and through working with a psychologist she realised that what happened to her was emotional and sexual violence.

Years later, Alison met a man who seemed "wonderful and great", was "nice and attentive", especially to their friends, but became controlling.

He would lecture her for hours saying her behaviour was not good enough.

And that started a cycle of abuse in the relationship.

"More of his dark side came through and that light, fluffy loveliness got smaller. But there was still enough of it to keep me hooked, showing me that he loved me," Alison said.

She was made to feel like only she had to change her behaviour.

"The biggest issue for him was that I didn't want to have sex enough," she said. "I was often bullied, being told he didn't have sex enough and I wasn't good at it.

"I was in a place where I felt like I couldn't say no to having sex with him.

"That's where the rape came in. I couldn't say no safely, and if I didn't have the option to say no than I didn't have the option to say yes."

Alison felt herself going crazy.

Her partner told her what she was feeling but that was the opposite to how she actually felt.

But, with her friends' reassurance she was being gaslighted, Alison began to trust and listen to her own feelings.

"It was scary because I had to listen to myself and be ok with failing in a relationship because on the outside he looked so well put together," she said.

With leaving came the realisation she had been in a second abusive relationship.

"The disappointment I felt was unbearable. I felt like I had failed," Alison said.

"I was victim blaming myself for something I didn't decide or want to happen to me. It was perpetrated against me.

"I kept thinking, 'how did I let this happen to me again. I've been through it once, I should have known'.

"But I grew up in a society that had a lot of negative messages about women's power and autonomy.

"Now I try to have a lot of compassion for myself."

Alison became an advocate, fighting against domestic violence because she stopped feeling shame about what was done to her.

"I wanted to put a voice to my own story and to show you don't just experience sexual assault in a back alley.

"It can happen in your own home without you realising it."

Read more: Police find 10 allegedly stolen motorbikes at two Dapto homes

Alison wants men, women and non-binary people to understand consent better.

"If someone wants to have any kind of contact with your body, if you don't feel like you can safely say no, then you can't say yes either," she said. "If you can't say yes, then you can't consent.

"And what is happening to you is assault and abuse."

Alison, who identifies as gay, believes teaching children about bodily and emotional autonomy and consent from a young age will help eliminate victim blaming and rape culture.

That's one of the reasons why she support events like the Illawarra White Ribbon Day Walk.

Alison hopes the event will prompt the community to think about how to act towards each other, highlight perpetrators' behaviours to them, and provide information to victims.

The walk will still go ahead despite the recent closure of the national charity White Ribbon Australia, at North Wollongong Surf Club on Friday from 7am.

If you need help call the domestic violence and national sexual assault support line on 1800 RESPECT' (1800 737 732) or the NSW rape crisis and sexual assault hotline on 1800 424 017.