How does an intruder get into a happy loving farm house?
In-tru-der back door, we find out here, as the not-so-happy equilibrium that exists in each hunky homestead is about to be disturbed.
In case you've been living under a road train full of Brahmans destined for live export for the past few weeks this is where we recap the lovely genuine dating show that is Farmer Wants a Wife, and try and get best value out of our jokes by using them twice.
It's a show about ... well look I'm sure you'll work that out.
The latest episodes of this show focus on the made-up Country Games or somesuch, where former host Natt Gruzlewski is brought back because running these games required not only charisma but also for the host to actually be there with the rest of the case.
Sam Armytage will be back presenting pieces to camera as the "host" soon.
Sam has "hinted" this week that one of farmers will leave before the end of the series, the implication being he's found his true love. Is it Brad and Claire? David and who can guess?
The Daily Mail had reported this was going to happen in the previous week. It didn't. Does this suggest that outlet copies real journalists' stories because they can't do their own properly? Who can tell.
All of Wollongong is united behind local girl Olivia, who is competing for the hand of farmer Matt, in fact she's had it a few times already in the past fortnight. She's chewed on a few parts of his mouth too, usually after a bit of babytalk.
Actually I can't be sure all of Wollongong is united behind her. While her parents understand farming and she plans on installing a Highland cow in the house paddock, some Gong folk are put off by the baby talk. Who cares, if you want their own farmer to talk to, you can go and find your own long-winded TV show to compete for him. Or just head down to the Jamberoo pub. Monday is $15 schnitzel night.
I hear the farmers down at the Majors Creek pub are mostly single. Read on.
Ooh there's a good ad. Channel 7 is producing a show about pioneering female reporters.
Thank goodness networks know how to treat them properly.
We return to Nat Gruzlewski, who was unceremoniously demoted from hosting this show to make room for Sam Armytage, who copped a huge backlash when she replaced Melissa Doyle on Sunrise, Doyle who was unceremoniously removed from hosting alongside David Koch amid a push to improve the show's ratings. Ah, the Seven Family. Where were we?
That's right, the Country Carnival Olympics, designed in the city. Climbing over some hay bales, catching a chicken in a run. Where's the spud race, the wood chop, the dog high jump?
Because it's the 7Plus app they won't let you skip the ads - but they're at least as interesting as the stuff screened in between them.
The traditional assumption - we're big on traditional assumptions here in Farmerland - might be that reality TV dating shows are heavily favoured by female audiences.
At least that's the situation where I work, where you can tell those in the know by the fact "MAFS" is pronounced as an actual word.
Perhaps FWAW producers might think it's different: online at least, since the start of this series, the ads are largely for blokey things, or ads clearly aimed at men. Go your own way in the Isuzu ute, Ladbrokes gambling with mates, until the lads are broke. Supercars in Perth. Teach boys respect for women. Colorbond is the corrie this country's made of. This gun shop sells knives and ammo too.
It can't be just because they're creepily tailored to me, because they've changed a little in more recent episodes. We now see some stylish ladies, doing things we know women do, like eating, driving and walking. Are the ad buyers and brokers so in touch with viewership in real time that the view profile changes weekly?
I'm still here folks! But maybe you know I'm not swayed by an ad telling millions of people to go your own way, now, or by a betting company called Lad Broke.
And ... where were we? Yes, the intruders.
Some of the newbies are spunky enough to catch the interest of the farmers, but they're put up against each other in a battle to the death from which only one can emerge. To prove they're the right kind of person they're made to kill off one of the sisterhood.
Miraculously, each farmer chooses to take an extra suitor home, even the ones who are stringing at least one lady along by saying he's almost certain, and even though it will make decisions harder for them. What a coincidence!
Brenton, we can understand. He's gone from a shy boy never been kissed to a Playa like Shaggy, even with his own mansion. Brenton figures this is his big chance and he's not about to waste it. But for apple farmer Andrew from Pozzy Airs in Queensland, it seems like the more options he has the harder it gets.
Ad break. Further south, it looks like the businesses of Braidwood have passed the Akubra around and stumped up the cash to buy an ad, including the Majors Creek pub it looks like the chances of the farmers around there being single are high.
Anyway someone called Frankie gets the poops and checks out before she could be culled. She saw the way Andrew was eyeing that chicken and hitched her way back to town.
Olivia lives on but with some more competition now. Can they burst her bubble? Does she really want "Smooth Hands" Matt anyway? Will Leah be the next, and if the others keep leaving voluntarily does that boost your chances?
Who can tell. I'm off to the Majors Creek to sink one with Fred Flintstone.
The Farmer Wants a Wife next screens on Seven at 7pm this Sunday, plus streaming on 7Plus.
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