For 30 years Cameron Griffin has been living with the betrayal of trust from a music teacher and priest who repeatedly abused him while he was at a Southern Highlands high school.
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A once smart, perceptive and intelligent student's life completely changed when Anthony William Peter Caruana took an interest in him.
Cam Searl, now Griffin, just wanted to learn to play the trumpet well during his time at Chevalier College.
But Caruana did not care that he was only a 13-year-old child.
Caruana took away Cam's teenage years and by year 9 he was broken after experiencing something no child should ever have to from an adult, a teacher, a priest.
Cam's optimism vanished, his faith in God was confused and as he tried to cope with his anxiety he spiraled into addiction and three suicide attempts in his adult life.
Yet without a lot of access to support, Cam was able to get a handle on his disorders and addiction, with his daughter becoming the metaphor for his recovery.
Now he has used his experience to not only inform the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse but to testify in court.
Caruana sentenced
On Friday, Cam heard his abuser be sentenced to 15 years in jail for the heinous crimes he committed against him and 11 other boys.
"I thought I had heard wrong when the sentence was given," he said speaking exclusively to the Mercury.
"Fifteen years is unprecedented and I thought that was an amazing result. I had an emotional response when I heard it.
"The sentence says to other perpetrators how seriously the crimes are taken by the court."
Cam said he was exhausted following the finalisation of the court case.
"It has been the hardest thing I have ever done," he said. "It was not until I went public about the abuse that people started reaching out to me and offered their help."
He praised the work of the Crown prosecutors who tried the allegations over seven weeks. Cam felt, for the first time, someone listened and fought for him.
Pattern of grooming
All the victims were aged between 12 and 14 and were students at Chevalier College in Burradoo, near Bowral, between 1982 and 1989 while Caruana was a religion and music teacher aged between 41 and 48.
He was also a house or dormitory master, band master and a rugby coach, and all the assaults occurred while the students were under Caruana's care.
Cam arrived at the Southern Highlands school from a fairly religious Catholic family and he sought out activities where he could connect with classmates and build a meaningful high school life.
"From early on I was targetted by Caruana," Cam said.
"That seemed to be his pattern. He looked for vulnerable kids, the misfits, and exploited us.
"We now know this as classic grooming behaviour. But as an adolescent, I didn't have the language back then."
The appalling abuse Cam suffered was detailed in court on Friday.
On one occasion Caruana stood behind him while he played his instrument and pushed his erect penis against his body while both were fully clothed.
This happened in similar circumstances another three times, mainly in the instrument room when he stayed back to pack away items.
The court heard Caruana was "manipulative" when he spoke to Cam about God.
Caruana said words to the effect of "to be at the school you have to love God", "I know you have been thinking of trying to please God" and "you know God will like it if you please a man of God" to the scared Cam during the assaults.
Caruana's offending escalated towards the end of 1984 when he sexually assaulted Cam on two occasions while in the band room when they were alone.
"The attention was weekly and monthly but the abuse was intermittent, which in a way was a relief," Cam said.
"For a year I couldn't swallow properly, sometimes I couldn't breathe and I became almost immobilised by a constant fear.
"It was fear of being expelled, of my parents finding out what was happening, and fear of the next assault.
"I began to feel intense shame that I had done something to warrant the attention I was getting.
"The words and threats he had said about God, punishment and expulsion were stuck in my head and I had begun to believe parts of it."
Cam said the abuse only stopped when he was big and strong enough to fight back.
Breach of trust
Cam wanted to pursue music as it was something his family enjoyed and his parents expected, because the music class was run by a priest, there would also be spiritual guidance.
Caruana, who was supposed to be a mentor, took away this part of Cam's life.
"I don't understand it now but back then my version of God was important to me, but I had started to question a faith handed down to me by my parents," he said.
"As the abuse continued I became deeply affected by the hypocrisy of it. I couldn't believe in God anymore because the contradiction was too great and irrationally I grieved that loss.
"What he said to me during the abuse did a lot of damage. He knew I would believe those "man of God" words and he manipulated that."
Cam did tell the school counsellor, who back then was a teacher and not a professionally trained psychologist, but to his knowledge nothing was ever done.
Secondary victims
Cam deeply feared telling his parents but he eventually did when he was 25, after years of going "way off the rails" from about 18.
"It completely devastated their world and they still struggle with it. They are the secondary victims. I can't put my family back together again," he said.
"They were not supportive of me going to court but they are proud of me but it is too much for them.
"My parents are horrified they put me in that situation.They trusted a priest and are appalled that they encouraged me to learn music with him."
Spiral of addiction
Cam's history with addiction started when he was 18 and he began drinking and didn't stop for a year, "messing up" his high school certificate. He was overwhelmed with flashbacks of the abuse and alcohol was the only thing to numb the pain.
"The loss of foundation, the fundamental breach of trust and the heightened fear of being close to anyone would stay with me for my whole life," he said.
"Later on in my 20s and 30s I used alcohol and increasingly drugs to normalise both my personal and professional relationships.
"I didn't want to be addicted but I needed to manage the anxiety that arrived every time I was faced with intimacy or a new relationship.
"Until recently, my relationships rarely lasted beyond a few months. Day to day I found it really difficult to find fulfilment and commitment and I resisted trust.
"I could never build a strong bond with someone. He took that enjoyment away from me."
Cam's recovery
Cam eventually spoke out, firstly to the Royal Commission then he pursued the criminal court case once investigators approached him.
But it was his daughter who provided him with the strength to kick his addictions and on his third suicide attempt he started to understand the full impacts of the abuse.
"I never wanted to kill all of myself just the part that housed the trauma of the abuse," Cam said.
"Because the abuse happened at such a young and formative age I lost crucial parts of myself.
"They were parts I needed because they linked to my identity and my self worth. If there were one thing I wish he hadn't taken from me it would be this."
Rebuilding
Cam struggled with his working life and mental health.
"For my daughter and increasingly for myself, I will always choose to be here but I would like to recognise the cost," he said.
By the age of 40, Cam had become a "financial non-citizen" with no house, super, credit rating, savings or stable income.
"I've worked really hard to change that in the past 10 years but I'm handicapped," Cam said.
"The lack of education, borderline homelessness, not being able to afford therapy, the trigger of no safe place, all contribute to a pretty devastating cycle.
"I could have done so much. I can only try and do this now and I'm driven to contribute and make up for lost time."
Now he has set up a foundation, Gryffyn Projects, which supports child and adult survivors of trauma with post traumatic stress disorder.
The goals are to ensure the protection of children and teenagers is enhanced and strengthened; to match recovering victims/survivors with life changing help and support and advocating at government level for more justice-oriented policies and outcomes.
"Because of my lived experience, I know what's needed, and how to apply it.," he said.
"This funding will make those solutions accessible and allow us to expand the programs we do now and directly support and assist trauma affected people to rebuild, and shape their own recovery.
"The reason I wanted to start the foundation was to ensure what happened to me doesn't happen to other kids. I feel protective of my daughter and other children.
"I am lucky be here, there are other kids who didn't make it."
For more information on Gryffyn Projects, visit the Facebook page. You can donate to the project here.
If you or anyone you know needs support contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, 1800RESPECT or Bravehearts Foundation.
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