Farmer Wants a Wife: Andrew splits, Olivia gets ambushed by Matt's dad

We're a bit behind but time is relative, and there's not much time until the relatives arrive. Let's get the first episode out of the way, where they promise one of the farmers is about to drop a bombshell and leave.

Voice-over person Samantha Armytage tries to talk romance with her combination of newsreader authority-talk and primary school captain end inflection.

She tries to make it sound like something terrible is going to happen but they've already promoted the fact all four of this season's farmers find love. So if one is leaving, he's taking one of the ladies with him. Maybe two.

Read more: Farmer wants a Girl from the Gong, but does he know it yet?

It's Andrew and he'll take Claire. Sorry, spoiler alert, as if it wasn't obvious, and as if this didn't happen a few days ago on telly, and a few months ago in "real life" - he likes her inflated lips and her mining work income, plus she might fly out for weeks at a time.

Does he know the FWAW contract means they get to send intruders in to the house in three years' time just to keep it interesting? Just wait for Farmer's Wife 2: The Revenge.

In case you've been living under a Darling Downs fracking operation for the past few weeks, this is where we recap just-aired episodes of Farmer Wants a Wife, a dating show on Channel Seven that's about ... well just have a guess.

Our hero is Wollongong girl Olivia, who has had her hands and mouth all over farmer Matt, in a PG sense that is, the poor guy would tremble to pieces if Olivia really had her way.

Trouble is he's off on a date with another girl. Someone Who Is Not Olivia. SWINO, we'll call her.

While Olivia is busy putting the intruder in her place, even allocating her a seat at the table, SWINO and Matt go clay target shooting. Over the course of what was probably three days we manage to edit together a plausible series of shots that makes it seem like they both scored hits.

SWINO scores Matt right on the face after demanding a kiss.

He takes her down to his Crying Tree by the creek where they sit down in some long itchy grass among the cow pats like all farmers and his wifes love doing.

Matt's passionate words try to rise above the babbling brook. "I still really like you and I just don't want to see our relationship regress" he tells her like an accountant sorting out the year's asset depreciation.

SWINO, who is a twin, gets a bit teary because it's all really hard.

Once again the genius editors at Channel Seven manage to cut together one or two coherent sentences. SWINO is missing her family so much. Not having them here is hard, she says. Presumably she's used to taking them along when she's romancing farmers down the back paddock.

Matt asks if that's going to be be a problem - "long term" - and what he means is should he expect the twins and mum and dad to be joining them for the happily ever after. SWINO mumbles of a bit of "don't know where I'm at" which means she's never actually considered the fact that becoming the farmer's wife would mean moving to the farmer's farm.

They edit in her saying the same thing again in case you didn't get it. They edit out the bit where she said only came on the show because her sister did.

Back at the homestead Olivia is watching through a crystal ball and lets out a whoop. SWINO has failed the commitment test and it's only a matter of time before she gets walked up the ramp.

The show's viewership must have changed: the ads are about homewares, holidays, musical theatre and special deals on clothing. Gone are the Supercars and bet with mates.

Off to farmer Brenton and he's trying to make small talk with Rachel, SWINO's twin. Rachel has zero hesitation about leaving her family and is busy trying to seduce Brenton.

He can barely get his words out: "I'm good about you ... I definitely really want you to be here, that's why you're still here". There's a reason they don't name their animals.

David and Emily are dining at a luxuriously decked out jetty in the middle of a dam. Put anyone in that setting and they'll feel like it's on. A lot of lovey talk, then they adjourn to the hot tub and it's on.

Matt takes "his ladies" off to the Rural Fire Service where he volunteers. Opportunities for cheap wet tshirt scenes are cruelled by the safety jackets. Olivia whips up some cheese and crackers for the firies while Matt's dad gives him some advice - and Olivia didn't even get a mention.

Farmer Andrew means business. You can tell by the way he's straddling that trail bike as if it's a proposal.

Off to a local waterfall where Andrew claims to have written Clare a poem. We doubt that as he reads it to her. With a bog-standard ABAB rhyme scheme and empty sentiment, it's certainly bad enough to be his work, but hearing the poor bloke labour over the lines we don't believe he can read much, let alone write.

He's got an old hat, he knows what he wants and he can sit on a motorbike with mad intent. He's about to throw Clare in the back of the ute and make for the sunset, only to realise they started at his farm, turn around and bring her right back again.

"There's no force, there's no pushing or pulling ... things are just naturally coming together," he tells the camera and he seems ready to accept this arranged marriage. And he didn't even have to force her. Bonus.

It's killing time. Andrew ditches everyone, Matt ditches another SWINO, talking around the issue rather than saying it. In case she didn't get the message he carries her bags out the door to where the Ute of Death is waiting.

Andrew's not like Brenton, who's hanging around to make the most of as many ladies his TV status can deliver him. For Andrew, the less talking the better. He tells her how he feels. She tries to smile but the collagen has set hard. Claire realises the other girls have gone home. So what do we do now, they ask.

"I've got a few things to do on the farm, but there should be plenty of time for other things as well," Andrew reasons. We can only imagine. For a moment it's kinda lovely, each one's awkwardness complementing the other's.

Farmer found a wife, so he has no need for this nonsense any more.

To be continued ...