Recap
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Welcome back to the show that sounds like PHWOOAARR but seems a fair bit tamer. So far, that is. There's clearly something brewing out there, out back where the fibre don't reach the node.
In case you've been living under a Wagga rug for the past day or two, this is where we recap episodes of Farmer Wants a Wife (FWAW), where a lineup of ladies competes to win the hand of a country gent in marriage, or something like it.
Here, we will focus on the wonderful Wollongong women who have thrown their hat in the ring, or thrown money at a hat to try and win a ring, thrown themselves at a man in a hat, or something like it.
And why not? Everyone knows Wollongong people are quality, and all those farm boys from Bathurst and Orange keep coming here to find a wife, I mean, that's right, to study engineering at the university.
In the series' first episode Wollongong's great blonde hope Christina got through the speed dating round and off for a visit to the farm.
Farmer Brad decided she was bubbly, which means he thinks a bottle of Spumante should do the trick.
The bad news for Brad is that since he went to his last girls' night out the ladies have moved onto Prosecco and its popularity means it's no longer cheap.
But then it happened. Once he got the ladies out to the farm, we tuned in and found a different farmer there. What happened to our nice crop and cattle farmer with the smiling eyes and the gentle manner? Who's this old bald guy acting like he owns the place?
It hits them: Brad had taken his hat off. The show would not be the same. Cracks appear.
Over to the other Wollongong prospect, admin officer Olivia, who's lined up farmer Matt, apparently a sheep and cattle farmer from near Yass.
He scrubs up pretty well, does Matt. They all do, these blokes - there's a website where you can "shop this look" under pictures of the farmers.
Matt scrubs up a bit too well perhaps. Let's just say, his hands look pretty nice and that's not a compliment in the country. Olivia uses the cut of her ... dress ... to distract him while she can have a good look at the paws. She makes a note to check if the stock he works is actually the ASX variety.
There's something about the ladies around Matt. How to put it ... I'm not saying he's a blonde digger, but he ain't messing with no dark-haired figures.
Olivia might know cattle well, having grown up somewhere near where they used to be and the Albion Park bypass now is.
What's the relevance of Wollongong, I heard someone ask, to themselves probably.
Well, FWAW sits alongside such other top quality and imaginative Seven content as First Dates, Yummy Mummies, Wife Swap Australia, the Single Wives, Seven Year Switch, Heartbreak Island and Love at First Flight.
I'm starting to worry whether production companies are running out of eligible people for these production lines. This could be your chance if standards are dropping, so apply now.
Having eligible ladies on the show is one thing but the need to tap new streams of contestants could finally see some farmers from Wollongong selected to seek a wife.
Wollongong you say? Yes - there's a rich history of agricultural involvement here, and not just the guy from Mount Warrigal who was busted with a python and two native lizards. Or the Dapto bloke arrested for keeping a crocodile in his shed.
What about a nice potato farming boys from Robertson? Or that dairy fellow from Burrawang everyone loves on the radio?
Farming isn't just about cows and sheep - we can also consider the modern hydroponic agricultural practices which are being perfected in spare rooms all around Lake Illawarra.
Sustainable farming also needs knowledge of foraging, such as the Illawarra residents with expertise at finding particular kinds of mushrooms in the hills behind Dapto.
There's even a place on Crown St where they specialise in aerial agriculture - growing trees on top of poles.
The land west of Albion Park was well known for its farms, until a couple of farmers realised the land was really well suited to those crops that flower into rows of identical houses with grey roofs and no yard. And the returns sure beat yearling cattle.
And by the look of the sets on this show, barrel rooms are in. Don't worry, not the South Australian kind, but trendy spaces that capture agriculture and cool drinking in one. Perhaps we should consider including the Illawarra's burgeoning array of small breweries and distilleries as an agricultural enterprise. Maybe not. Maybe Brewer Wants a Wife is its own franchise in the making. Hold on while I pitch Channel Seven.
To be part of WFWAF or BWAF, apply here https://farmerwantsawife.com.au/
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